A Work in Progress

Another Update for Matthew

2012-01-28T16:46:00.004-05:00

Sorry I haven't been updating my blog as much. I send out quick updates on facebook and call it good . . .I mean, I just can't imagine what is taking up so much of my time these days . . . ;)

Matthew has seen his orthopedic doctor again and we're still just going to wait a bit longer, until June at the earliest, so see if any more muscle tissue will regenerate. The doctor keeps saying how babies are like starfish and can regenerate and heal just amazingly - which is odd because she wasn't at all that optimistic in the hospital. Hmmm. We know Who is healing Matthew's leg, and all babies for that matter! Ah, well. We keep telling her that there are LOADS of people praying for him and that God is in control.

On another Matthew note: He's breastfeeding!!!!!! This is huge for me/us. I was about to throw in the towel on the bottle prep plus pumping all the time. But I'm glad I kept with it a bit longer because he has been going strong for 2+ weeks now. He's suppose to get prevacid and a vitamin each day but I haven't even been giving him those because breastfeeding is so nice and I just want to soley enjoy it for a bit first. Maybe that makes me a bad mom but he's doing fine without the prevacid, at least not worse, so I might suggest taking him off that anyways.

He had his first meeting with Early On 2 weeks ago and the two ladies that evaluated him said he was really strong and doing great. They will be back in another week or so to make up a plan of therapies for him. I'm so excited to get the ball rolling that way!

Every day when I look into his beautiful almond shaped, sparkly eyes, and hold his cute little single-creased hands, and snuggle him I just can't imagine why anyone would abort based on the fact that their baby has an extra chromosome. Matthew is soooo precious and adorable. I'm am SO glad that God entrusted him to us! I'm so in love with this kid I am, often times, oblivious to the lack of sleep and busyness of three that has consumed my life. When we go to doctor's appts or the grocery store I often get at least someone observing how busy I must be. It's a good busy. A very good busy. I'm already bugging the hubby about adopting a T21 sweetie and have been spent too much time on Reeces Rainbow dreaming. . . ah well, maybe someday! (Hubby is all for it, I might add! - maybe after Matthew gets a bit older, he is only just 3 months!)

Okay, I think this is it for now. I'll probably post again in another month or two - OOOOFTA! :)

Another Matthew Update

2011-12-19T23:10:00.003-05:00

Matthew was discharged November 21st with us doing the leg dressing changes three times a day: 6am-ish, 3pm-ish, and 9pm-ish. He was taking a bottle and we were to feed him ad lib, although trying not to let him go more than 4 hours at a time. It only took a few days of setting my alarm and then he did start waking in the night to feed on his own, so I stopped setting my alarm. Of course, then he started only waking once to feed, and with the extra rest I was getting I didn't mind . . . besides he has weekly weight checks at the family doctor and is growing quite good right now. He's doing super at bottle feeding, has some reflux issues, and we're are still working on breastfeeding. I have tried the supplemental nursing system and just started on Motherlove herbal supplement to increase my supply. I am not making what he needs right now but am supplementing my milk with the formula sample they gave me in the hospital as well as using up the stash of milk I was able to freeze when he was first born and I was making more than he needed. Hopefully he starts breastfeeding soon AND this new to me herbal stuff kicks up my production! I'm getting REALLY tired of pumping after every feed. So are my other kids! But breastmilk is best and formula is expensive - ooofta.

The dressing changes we had when we came home consisted of silvadene, vigilon, kerlix, and then a plastic bag over all of it to keep it moist (see first pic). We washed our hands, used sanitizer, and then put on gloves before doing it each time. The key to all this was to keep infection out - and we were successful! He had his first follow-up appointments with the plastics doctor (who prescribed the dressing changes) and orthopedic doctor (who will perform any needed amputation and/or recommend physical therapy) this past week. The dressing changes are now MUCH simpler since all the skin has healed (PRAISE THE LORD!) There is only one spot, instead of four, that require anything and that is what has always been the largest blemish and is behind the knee. All we have to do now is put a piece of vigilon on it and wrap enough kerlix on it so it stays on. We are also to massage the four areas several times a day, at least 2-3 with mineral oil or vaseline. He can take a full bath now, after being 7 1/2 weeks old! The orthopedics doctor said he's doing great and continues to be amazed at how well the leg is holding up despite it's rough beginning. She made a splint for him to help keep the knee straight and foot pulled up, that he is to wear when sleeping - which is still most of the day at this point. She said that the muscles seems to be regenerating as he can pull it up from the hip and if any amputation has to occur they can do it below the knee now - MUCH better for fitting with a prosthetic. (Versus the hip which is where they would have had to do it if infection had set in earlier as expected.)

Needless to say both doctors ordered more prayers because they're working. We know it's God that is working and are so thankful for everyone who has petitioned Him to do so!!! If you saw the leg before or pictures, just look at how good it has come along! It's amazing, a miracle!

Matthew in Pictures.

2011-11-07T20:58:00.002-05:00

A little over a day old.

Big Sister checking out the baby.

Big Brother loves touching him, and is one faithful prayer warrior for his little brother. :)

Dressed for the first time.

Pulled his feeding tube out so I snapped a quick photo before it was replaced to capture his cuteness!

Thank you Jesus for this precious gift!

The Joy of the Lord

2011-11-04T14:50:00.002-04:00

I've been told by countless people, and countless times by my OB doctor how strong I am. She even mentioned that some nurses and others at the hospital were commenting on how strong I appear to be through everything, the diagnosis and early c-section and good recovery afterwards. She said that she told them I was a rock. That I've always been that way through all this pregnancy, sort of laid back and just took things as they were.

I'm often speechless, I don't feel like "a rock" or "strong." I do take things as they are because I know Who's in charge, and Who to lean on. Nehemiah 8:10 says "Do not be grieved, for the joy of the LORD is your strength." I guess I never really understood what that meant before, or thought about it much but I have to say, I've felt very joyful through all this (other than the throwing up and being nauseous part from weeks 9-32). I was honestly relieved to find out that Matthew had trisomy 21. After having a child with tetrasomy 9p, trisomy 21 seems like nothing. And as nervous as I felt having to have a c-section at 34 weeks I was also somewhat prepared and still comforted by God. Prior to calling my doctor that Monday night I was reading in Romans where I had left off the previous day.

Included in my scripture reading that day was Romans 8, and speaking to me specifically were verses 26-27:

"In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groans that words cannot express. And he who searches our hearts knows the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit intercedes for the saints in accordance with God's will."

and 28:

"And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose."

and 31-32:

"If God is for us, who can be against us? He who did not spare his own Son, but gave him up for us all - how will he not also, along with him, graciously give us all things?"

and finally 34:

"Christ Jesus, who died - more than that, who was raised to life - is at the right hand of God and is also interceding for us."

When I read these words, I knew. I knew in my heart what might very possibly lay ahead that night. And I knew that if I was right, I would be okay. God works for the good of those who love him. Amen! I have been blessed with another precious gift. I in no way deserve to be entrusted with another life but I have been. :) And there is LOTS of joy in that too!

My strength is from God.

I'm not a rock but I do personally know The Rock.

And I choose to trust God's written word when he says all things will work for the good of those who love him.

Update on Matthew

2011-11-03T17:10:00.003-04:00

He's going great! He is able to maintain his body temperature so he's not under the plastic hood anymore and his IV is out so we are able to finally hold him! :) Since having hematology, nephrology, wound, infectious disease, orthopedics, orthopedic oncology, and plastics doctors (I'm sure I'm missing at least one more also) all look over and examine his leg they are trying a different treatment regime with him. Instead of changing the bandage every 2-3 days it will be changed 3 times a day with different stuff. This is according to the plastics doctor - the same one who did Molly's craniosynstosis surgery. He's great! He has some ideas as to what is going on and if he's right then it can heal! Of course, according to the Great Healer. Matthew's leg is still in need of prayer and as far as being in the NICU, prayer that he will become a champion bottle feeder soon, and eventually be able to breastfeed as well (because this pumping every 2-3 hours is getting VERY old). He seems to have good suction when he's willing but for me he'll take 5-7 mLs of milk and fall asleep, then the nurse has to gavage the remaining (he's up to 60 mLs or 2oz). His lungs need to continue to strengthen also, which will help with the feeding. The nurses say he's acting like a typical 35 weeker though. :)

Prayers for me too, as I'm sick with an awful sore throat and don't want to expose him. I am having a difficult time not being there for him. I am blessed that Burch is able to get up earlier and get off earlier leaving him more time to visit with Matthew each afternoon/evening, also my in-laws went up today to be with him, since I couldn't make it. But he needs his Mommy! (Or maybe I just need to be with him . . . )

This was NOT the(my) plan - The Story of Matthew's Birth

2011-10-30T20:52:00.003-04:00

But it was obviously God's.

Matthew Douglas Goldner was born via c-section at 6:13am on Tuesday, October 25, 2011, exactly 6 weeks before his due date. It all started Monday the 24th. I noticed very few movements from him and was constantly praying all day that I would feel him move. I think I remember two certain kicks and possibly some hiccups from him prior to admitting myself late that night. His first active time every day was between 6-7am but since Jonah was at Grandpa and Grandma's house this particular morning I figured I'd sleep in and then have my quiet time when Molly was napping instead. So for most of the day I figured I just missed out on his active period and that he was probably fine. I waited for the next active period which is between 9 and 10pm every night. Notta, nothing. And when he's active you can see it, elbows, feet, whatever, moving across my tummy. This is when I knew I had to make a call to my doctor to see what she would say, for my own sanity. Hubby kept telling me "don't worry, he's just relaxing today" but I couldn't relax. I showered and shaved, you know, just in case. I picked up the house a bit, you know, just in case. You know, when you're prepared for something to happen it probably won't. My mistake was not waking my parents at 12am so that Burch could go with me.

Anyhow, after I showered I called my doctor's office and waited for her call. Which was another huge blessing because my doctor was actually the doctor on call that night - a HUGE relief. Although all the doctors at my OB office are great I just really really like mine. She said that I needed to come in and have a non-stress test done. So, I got up, got dressed again, told hubby to go back to sleep even though he wanted to come with me. I figured they'd tell me everything was alright and I'd go home feeling over paranoid but relaxed.

Needless to say, baby boy didn't pass the non-stress test so I was given an IV to sort of "perk him up" but that didn't work so I had a biophysical profile ultrasound which he failed with a score of 4 out of 8. My doctor came into my triage room, looking not so happy and

"Well, the ultrasound didn't look good. we're going to have to deliver him."

"Today?"

"He only scored 4 out of 8 which means deliver."
"How about in a week?"

"I could ask a high-risk doctor but I know what they would say."
"Alrighty . . ." sounding so very unsure that this was the best plan.

I called Burch, who had to call my parents so they could stay with the kids. This was around 3am-ish. They were getting everything ready so that as soon as he got here we were ready to go. And that's how it happened that our next little blessing was born. He came out crying and peeing and well, just beautiful! :) His right leg was completely white and swollen and had three open blister-like wounds. This was and remains the main concern with his health. The two small holes that the prenatal ECHO picked up were not there. Praise The Lord! He was only on the CPAP machine for about a day. Praise The Lord! He's starting to nipple a bottle. Praise The Lord!

But keep praying for his right leg. The color is normal now, there is blood flow, but he hasn't moved it and that's probably due to extensive muscle tissue damage that the MRI picked up. He has all kinds of specialists watching him. No one knows why or how this happened, or what can be done about it right now except to just watch and see and make sure it doesn't get worse. The worse case scenario at this time is amputation if it doesn't improve, infection sets in, or the kidneys start to get damaged as a result of breaking down and flushing the body of all the protein enzymes from the damaged muscles. We're praying for a miracle!

Reflection on ONE year ago.

2011-09-14T21:21:00.003-04:00

Molly Jean pre-craniosynostosis surgery on September 14, 2010.

Molly post-surgery a few days.

Ready to go home, finally!

Today! September 14, 2011. Happy Girl!

Thanking God for this precious blessing and the successful surgery a year ago today.

Watch out Old Toes!

2011-09-01T21:43:00.008-04:00

I'm going to step on you . . . sorry. This is something that has been on my mind all summer, at least. And I've been afraid to say anything about it, because one day I might be the same way and then that would make me a hypocrite. However, I would be one anyway since I once thought that (this) way. And so I blog . . . in hopes that if I ever think I can retire from God's work that I would be brought back to this post and get a HUGE wake-up call and kick in the pants.

There are a couple of real life situations that have happened in my life over the past year that have made me disappointed in the older generation - that which is suppose to be teaching us in the younger generations. Titus 2:3-5 says "Older women likewise are to be reverent in their behavior, not malicious gossips nor enslaved to much wine, teaching what is good, so that they may encourage the young women to love their husbands, to love their children, . . .so that the word of God will not be dishonored." The MOPS group at my church had to dissolve because there were not enough people willing to work in the MOPPETS program. MOPS was two days a month for about 2 hours. FOUR HOURS a month is all the time help was needed. We disbanded because the moms were doing the child care instead of in their meeting where they would be getting a much needed rest from the busyness of raising children, getting some rare adult-only conversation, getting a little but important break. This summer our (now ex) neighbor was busy trying to help plan VBS for her church, which she has done in the past. However, when she approached a group of older women to ask them to help they responded (paraphrase), with laughter, "Oh, we did our time. Now it's your turn." Yah - didn't realize there was "time" to help with VBS - ONE WEEK of helping. One Week. ONE WEEK! (And that's only 3hrs-ish a day). Really. Needless to say, this rather large church did not host a VBS this year because there was not enough volunteers.

Yeah, I'm a bit disappointed <--- is an understatement, I guess.

"There's something we notice about high achievers. They never retire; the fire in their belly simply doesn't let them slow down. This is doubly true of God's top servants. Study the life of any of the men and women who have had a profound impact for God, and you'll see they were as active as ever right up to the last day God gave them on this planet. Billy Graham has often remarked that the Lord doesn't give retirement parties and gold watches - and these soldiers of the gospel wouldn't have it any other way because the passion burns intensely within them."

(Life Wide Open by David Jeremiah)

Dr. David Jeremiah in above mentioned book goes on to give the Biblical example of Caleb, who was 85 years old when he entered the promised land and while his life before that consisted of "three Ds: desert, death, and discouragement" he didn't lose the fire. "All his contemporaries were dying. You might remember that a condition for entering the Promised Land was that all of the unfaithful generation - the one the shied away from giants - had to die before God would permit the crossing of the Jordan. It took thirty-eight wilderness years for that to happen. Caleb grew older as he waited through the decades, checking the obituaries every day and seeing the last of his old friends die."

"And now, behold, the LORD has kept me alive, as He said, these forty-five years, ever since the LORD spoke this word to Moses while Israel wandered in the wilderness; and now, here I am this day, eighty-five years old. As yet I am as strong this day as on the day that Moses sent me, just as my strength was then, so now is my strength for war, both for going out and for coming in." - Joshua 14:10-11

How many 85-year olds have that kind of passion for doing God's work do you know? How many 40-year olds? I hope you know more than I do.

Quoting Bruce Larson in Dr. Jeremiah's book:

"A life of safety is no life at all, whatever your vocation. Still, we are programmed from an early age to start providing for a safe and secure future. Through pension funds and retirement benefits, we work toward removing all risk from our lives by the time we are 65. Yet in the three societies sociologists have studied where people normally live to 100 and frequently to 120, there is no special treatment for the aged . . . Scientists who have studied these societies have found that they have nothing in common in terms of climate, diet, geography or lifestyle. But in all three places, the inhabitants are expected to live normal lives with no cushion for safety. They continue to work, tend fields and keep shops until they die at 100 plus. I am convinced that God never invented old age. Death is a gift, but old age is man's invention. It is a cultural blight in our lifetime."

I'm so tired of seeing a lack of passion for the work of God and so very tired of hearing about retirement and 401K plans. There are more important things to be sooo concerned about. Such as the Great Commission, for starters. Maybe it's a good thing that my generation will probably never be able to retire. We might live to 100 and be actively serving at the same time.

This is not to say that I don't know ANYONE with such a lack of passion. I can think of some quality individuals who have continued to serve pre- and post-retirement age. They truly inspire me. And I am forever grateful to them for their work, the work they do for the Lord. They serve my kids in Sunday School and Children's Church. They serve in the nursery though their years of having babies is long gone. They continue to pastor their church because the burden for saved souls is so great, they can't give it up, not yet. They still volunteer to help with VBS even though the energy from a group of wound-up, excited little kids can be incredibly overwhelming. To these people: THANK YOU!

God is Bigger

2011-08-24T22:01:00.002-04:00

So, since the diagnosis of dear G.I. Joe I've been told a few things about myself including that (1) I'm an angel w/o wings and (2) I'm so laid back, I'll be able to handle anything. Not that I don't agree (especially with the angelic part) ;) but it's not about me being angelic or laid back. It's about relying on God e-v-e-r-y minute of e-v-e-r-y day, good days, and bad days. Days when I take a h.p.t. and it's positive! Days when my child is diagnosed with a fatal condition. Days when my baby is taken back for a 7-hr surgery. Days when I find out I may never be an empty-nester. It's all about leaning, leaning, leaning on the everlasting arms.

I've heard "God won't give you more than you can handle" more times than I can count in the last five years. What a myth! Have you seen what I supposedly can handle by myself??? God certainly gives us more than we can handle so that we learn to rely on Him, to lean on Him. I am telling you - I CANNOT handle losing a child, I was never capable and never will be. I will never be capable of losing my best friend and husband - EVER. But I know this, God is by my side ALL the time and has and will carry me through whatever comes up. This is not about me, how I am or appear to be "handling" things is all because of God, my Savior, my Comforter, my All. He's in charge. And in that I can rest peacefully. . . and appear to be angelic and laid back.

I was just at my Grandma's this past weekend and saw a quote hung up on the hutch which read "Don't tell God how big your storm is, tell the storm how big your God is." Isn't that the truth? We all find ourselves in "storms" at some point or another, some more than others it seems and we, just like the disciples, have the tendency to freak out even when we're right next to the storm's Master. "Where is your faith?" Jesus asked (Luke 8:24). Truth be told, He's asked me that. I think I'm finally getting it. My faith is in Him. I've learned to lean on the arms of God, trust Him, and have hope. Not that I won't be continually tested or need to be re-taught (hopefully not) but today I have hope.

What a fellowship, what a joy divine,
Leaning on the everlasting arms;
What a blessedness, what a peace is mine,
Leaning on the everlasting arms.
- Refrain:
  Leaning, leaning, safe and secure from all alarms;
  Leaning, leaning, leaning on the everlasting arms.
Oh, how sweet to walk in this pilgrim way,
Leaning on the everlasting arms;
Oh, how bright the path grows from day to day,
Leaning on the everlasting arms.
What have I to dread, what have I to fear,
Leaning on the everlasting arms?
I have blessed peace with my Lord so near,
Leaning on the everlasting arms.

(Elisha A. Hoffman, Anthony J. Showalter)

Classroom: Homebase

2011-08-19T15:02:00.006-04:00

It's a retreat, a sanctuary for love and learning. It's our Home! I just finished organizing our "schoolroom" (a.k.a. dining room/playroom/back entry - we have a small house!) and wanted to share pictures! I'm very happy how everything is laid out and works! Here it is:

Our school cabinet (found for $32.00), and a microwave stand (found for $5.00) to hold some of our more hands-on science stuff.

The start of our bug collection, using my brother's old bug box from 4-H. Has a cicada and bumblebee in it so far. I did have a hornet and sweat bee but they dried up too much and their heads fell off when I was trying to arrange them in this.

Inside the cabinet are the shelves my Dad built for us with our supplies and books on them, as well as some stuff for Molly do to.

Calendar time and easel, to give the kids a different way to work once in awhile.

MY desk, with the abacus; our number chart; weather chart; and one of many bookcases filled with non-school books and toys. Oh - there are some plants on top but they are awaiting a transplant . . . when I get around to it!

A small play area and our MAPS!

Where all the dirty business takes place, including every meal. :) And door to the "real" office - Daddy's office/Mommy's storage area - until I can talk Daddy into relocating it and letting it be a bedroom again.

And we're back.

As far as kindergarten goes we've decided on the following curriculum this year:

Sing Spell Read and Write (phonics)

Explode the Code (phonics)

Horizons (math)

Five in a Row (covers a little bit of everything)

Building Christian Character (alternate with Heroes)

Heroes for Young Readers (alternates with BCC)

Read our Bible each day and memorize a verse each week.

Science is covered in FIAR plus we do our own thing as it comes to us, i.e. learning all about bugs!

***I forgot to add that we also do Speechercise, to work on Jonah's pronunciation skills. And soon we'll be adding sign language, for Molly too, so we're ready to teach G.I. Joe and communicate with him sooner!

YOU.

2011-08-19T12:58:00.002-04:00

You are amazing. You encourage me. You lift me up. You help give me strength. You are the hands and feet, whether or not you want to be or intended on it.

You are my family. Those that have known me from birth and have stood by my side since that day. In everything, you have prayed for me, thought of me, sent me notes, provided financially for me, loved me, blessed me.

You are my friends. Some have been by me for what seems like forever, others have hopped on along the way. Some are old and some are new. You are all amazing. You are steadfast, faithful, supportive, loving, and I am beyond blessed to know you and call you "my friend."

Who needs gold and silver and dollars when I have a relationship with you. Needless to say, I've gone through a lot (or so I'm told), but it doesn't seem so. It doesn't seem like I have. It doesn't seem as bad as it looks when I read through my past journals and blog entries. And now, still, I'm not worried. I am completely at peace.

Because I have you. And you support me on every level.

AND I have YOU, MY GOD. Who without I can't imagine what life would be like. YOU give me hope everyday and nothing seems bad in light of it (hope, that is). No matter how bad it gets here on earth, how many rough patches I face, I Have YOU. And YOU love me unconditionally. And YOU are continually gracious towards me. And YOU have mercy on me. YOU are the most amazing of amazings.

I am forever thankful to God and blessed by Him to know Him, and have friends and family like You. God is using You in my life. Thank you God! And Thank you Family! And Thank you Friends!

Baby Update: Good News!

2011-08-08T16:02:00.003-04:00

I had a follow-up ultrasound with the high risk doctors today and

1. the cystic hygroma is smaller than before - this is an answer to prayer! The doctor said you probably won't even notice it when he's born.

2. he cooperated and let the technician get a good look at his heart and it looks normal for this stage (22 wks, 6 days) - another huge answer. Again, the ECHO will be mid-September to get a better look when it's more developed.

3. $25 to Target! Because I'm participating in a research study, and all I was required to do was give a blood sample. (I am easily pleased, so what?!?)

Woot-woot!

Really, the ONLY thing . . .

2011-07-26T08:35:00.002-04:00

I'm wondering/questioning is:

Why does God allow us to have a special needs baby at the same time my (and THE) most strong-willed, stubborn, persistant, mischievous (yet lovable) little one is entering the "terrible twos" and at the same time I am starting serious home-school with the new kindergartner?

I think I know the answer. So I can learn (again, and again, and again, and - you get the picture) to rely solely on Him. :) And let me tell you, I will be! I have no other choice. I'm in for a wild ride this fall! Good thing I (usually) enjoy adventures. :)

A Tale of Two Flowers

2011-07-24T20:46:00.003-04:00

Here is a picture of two different flowers currently growing on our windowsill. The one on the left is a sunflower - the little pots that Target sells in the $1.00 aisle. I planted it about a month after the one on the right. The one on the right Jonah planted himself at VBS this year, I do not know what species it is but it has been growing since. About a week ago, Jonah noticed that one flower was growing really big and the other one was still small and of course, wanted to know why in the enthusiasm and wonderment that only a child has. Despite being an educated Ecologist and going into all sorts of details on growth conditions and environment I decided to keep this one on his level AND tie it into our current situation:

"You know, Jonah, how I told you that baby brother - "

"G.I. Joe?"

"Yes, G.I. Joe, has Down syndrome. It's a special condition that makes him grow differently than you are and Molly is?"

"Yeah."

"Well, it's kind of like these two flowers. God made the sunflower to grow fast and big but He made the other flower to grow more slowly. It will still grow, just not as quickly as the sunflower. Just like He made you and Molly to grow fast and learn things quickly, He's making G.I. Joe to grow more slowly. And it will take longer for him to learn things. He'll do it, he'll walk and talk just like you do but it will take him longer to learn how."

"Uh-huh, okay."

This was Talk no.2 to help prepare Jonah. And here's hoping they do both continue to grow because I'm quite negligent with plants. :/

My kid has more chromosomes than yours!

2011-07-19T20:40:00.002-04:00

The final results are in (from the amniocentesis) and "G.I. Joe" has trisomy 21, a.k.a. down syndrome. I may be the happiest mom ever to receive such news. "They" say a mother's instinct is right, so knowing that something was not going to go to my plan (as before) I was much relieved we were/are not repeating the same chromosomal abnormality that Nathan faced (which was basically a death sentence for him).

A Few Facts for Starters:

According to the geneticist at the Maternal-Fetal Medicine clinic all the abnormalities all four of our children have had are completely unrelated. I guess God just likes to keeps things interesting at our house.

I, at age 30, had a 0.1% of having a baby with Down's.

Recent U.S. studies have shown that 84-91% of babies prenatally diagnosed with Down syndrome will be killed via abortion.

40% of babies with Down Syndrome will have congenital heart problems. They are also more likely to have Alzheimer's and Leukemia.

I found a good post for friends and family over at another blog today (also listed on my side bar under homeschool blogs): http://onajoyfuljourney.blogspot.com/2011/07/walking-alongside-family-living-with.html

So, our next child has designer genes. And for you who worry over EVERYTHING - Don't! Really, this kid is going to rock that third chromosome. He's going to be a complete blessing and joy - not only because he's my kid but because God says so, in His Word. He's going to teach us so much about love and acceptance. I can't wait to meet him come late November/early December.

Please continue to pray for us as we learn about the syndrome, and seek resources to help us help "G.I. Joe" reach his fullest potential. And please pray he is a healthy albeit chromosomally enhanced baby! Thanks!

What more needs to be said?

2011-07-13T11:23:00.002-04:00

Psalm 127:3

"Children are a gift of the Lord,

The fruit of the womb is a reward."

Psalm 139:13-16

"You formed my inward parts;

You wove me in my mother's womb.

I will give thanks to You, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made;

Wonderful are Your works,

And my soul knows it very well.

My frame was not hidden from You,

When I was made in secret,

And skillfully wrought in the depths of the earth;

Your eyes have seen my unformed substance;

And in your book were all written

The days that were ordained for me,

When as yet there was not one of them."

James 1:17

"Every good thing given and every perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of lights, with whom there is no variation or shifting shadow."

Jeremiah 1:5a

"Before I formed you in the womb I knew you. . ."

Isaiah 45:9-10

"Woe to the one who quarrels with his Maker -

An earthenware vessel among the vessels of the earth!

Will the clay say to the potter, 'What are you doing?'

Or the thing you are making say, 'He has no hands?'

Woe to him who says to a father, 'What are you begetting?'

Or to a woman, 'To what are you giving birth?'"

Ephesians 2:10

"For we are His workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand so that we would walk in them."

Cystic hygroma

2011-07-12T09:30:00.004-04:00

The level 2 ultrasound confirmed a cystic hygroma on baby boy yesterday. This can happen by itself or be associated with a chromosome abnormality or heart problems or both. He was a bit stubborn and wouldn't get his arm out of the way for a good look at the heart despite the prodding by the ultrasound tech so we can't rule out heart problems yet. So far he has a strong heart beat though, and we are scheduled for an ECHO in September (I have to be further along so the heart is more developed for this.)

I made myself be brave and got another amnio. I want to know what chromosome problem we'll be facing, if any. And it wasn't that bad! I was reminded that with Nathan there was very little amniotic fluid to begin with so that is probably why the amnio was so rough on me. We should know by tomorow morning at the latest if it's Trisomy 21, 18, or 13. Tri 18 and 13 are fatal, babies only live a max of 6 months. REALLY hoping it's not those!!! We will know in another week if it's some other chromosome issue.

If it's just a cystic hygroma the doctor doesn't expect it to be fatal. She said it could get smaller and go away or just be so small compared to the baby when he's born that it would hardly be noticable. She also mentioned that the cystic hygroma's that cause a baby to pass away are usually MUCH bigger at this point in time.

That's where we're at. Please remain praying for "G.I. Joe" (Big brother named him.) We REALLY appreciate it!!!

THANK YOU!!!

A Prayer for Today

2011-07-11T10:32:00.002-04:00

Psalm 86:11-13

"Teach me your way, O Lord,

and I will walk in your truth;

give me an undivided heart,

that I may fear your name.

I will praise you, O Lord my

God, with all my heart;

I will glorify your name

forever.

For great is your love toward me;

you have delivered me from

the depths of the grave."

Father God,

I pray that whatever we find out today regarding our newest little boy that I won't turn away from you but will remain yours with an undivided heart, wholly devoted to you. I know your ways are higher than mine and that you work out all things for the good of those who know you so I will trust and pray that I will remain trusting forever.

Ultrasound update

2011-07-08T10:26:00.002-04:00

The doctor found an abnormality on the baby during our 18 week ultrasound and so now we are awaiting a level 2 ultrasound and possible amnio on Monday.

Seriously, though, what are the chances of our babies (all four) having some sort of genetic abnormality??? We've been told with each one that the chances of recurrence are rare and there's no need to worry.

hypospadius

tetrasomy 9p

craniosynostosis

???? yet to be determined ???

CRAZY!

And while the only thing I've ever dreamed of is having a large, loving family I think we may be done. I'm so blessed to have the boy Jonah and baby girl Molly and a new one moving around inside for now. :) I feel blessed beyond all measure with the few loving children I have been entrusted to raise.

Psalm 77

2011-07-08T10:17:00.002-04:00

"I cried out to God for help;

I cried out to God to hear me.

When I was in distress, I sought the Lord;

at night I stretched out

untiring hands

and my soul refused to be

comforted.

I remembered you, O God, and I

groaned;

I mused, and my spirit grew

faint.

You kept my eyes from closing;

I was too troubled to speak.

I thought about former days,

the years of long ago;

I remembered my songs in the

night.

my heart mused and my spirit

inquired:

'Will the Lord reject forever?

Will he never show his favor

again?

Has his unfailing love vanished

forever?

Has his promise failed for all

time?

Has God forgotten to be

merciful?

Has he in anger withheld his

compassion?'

Then I thought, 'To this I will

appeal:

the years of the right hand of

the Most High.'

I will remember the deeds of the

Lord;

yes, I will remember your

miracles of long ago.

I will meditate on all your works

and consider all your mighty

deeds.

Your ways, O God, are holy.

What god is so great as our

God?

You are the God who performs

miracles;

you display your power among

the peoples.

With your mighty arm you

redeemed your people,

the descendants of Jacob and

Joseph.

The waters saw you, O God,

the waters saw you and

writhed;

the very depths were

convulsed.

The clouds poured down water,

the skies resounded with

thunder;

your arrows flashed back and

forth.

Your thunder was heard in the

whirlwind,

your lightning lit up the world;

the earth trembled and

quaked.

Your path led through the sea,

your way through the mighty

waters,

though your footprints were

not seen.

You led your people like a flock

by the hand of Moses and

Aaron."

Roller Coaster

2011-06-27T14:25:00.005-04:00

As if ever-changing emotions/mood aren't enough of a problem when pregnant, this has been the worst partially hormone-induced, partially anxious-induced roller coaster I've ever been on.

Let me begin with two facts:

I was really sick (as in couldn't keep anything down) when I was pregnant with Nathan AND

I'm really sick (yes, as in I can't keep anything down without zofran) this pregnancy. Which lends my mind to anxiousness and worrying that again we will be faced with bad news when we have our ultrasound (which is next week.) It (the anxiousness) gets worse as the ultrasound gets closer. I've become too emotional and nervous that it is hard to even be enjoying the summer. I will either have a heavy weight lifted from me next week and can begin to let myself get truly excited about the new addition, or I will know and not have to worry about it. Because worrying now is really going to change things, either way (written with sarcasm.)

Here's two more facts:

The worst part of being sick with Nathan lasted about 3 weeks. This time around it's lasted 10 weeks already, with no signs of letting me return to normal. So, although I let myself get worried I can remind myself that each pregnancy is different, and some women are sick their entire pregnancy and have healthy babes. Maybe that is just me this time around. And it's tempting me to get my tubes tied afterwards because being this sick is miserable and the wonderful, miracle drug that allows me to function at a somewhat normal level is $15.00 about every 8 days. (Ooooofta!) It's worth it, let me tell you, but something I wish I didn't need. And something that is probably going to drain our flex account. (Guess the dentist will have to wait a year.) ;) (I hate going to dentist so this is really not a problem!)

A month ago or so our Pastor said something during one of our Sunday services that has stuck with me and keeps bringing me back to reality (although not for long because I'm human and scared to death of losing another baby): "God calls the shots." It's that simple. I know God, I trust God, His ways are higher than mine, I need not worry. I shouldn't feel this heavy, heavy burden like I do. I should give it to Him. Why can't I???? It's a vicious cycle. I give it to God. I start to feel sick and then begin to worry again and then worry that my worrying is going to make the baby sick if he/she isn't already and then worry that I'm worrying because that is a sin, then I finally come to grips that God is going to call the shot and it's going to be the best thing for us and eternity and then I can relax. Then it starts all over. As the ultrasound approaches the letting God have it part is getting shorter, the me worrying about it is getting longer. Not good. Ugh!

Hopefully I'll have great news next week. Please pray that I do!

I'm here!

2011-06-01T13:12:00.009-04:00

I've started and even finished a few posts but Blogger isn't letting me post them! So - to make a couple long posts short:

1. International adoption is on hold currently. . .

because there is a biological baby on the way! Due around December 6, 2011.

I'm finally starting to feel better, even cleaned the bathroom today and have dinner already cooking in the slow-cooker! And I did dishes last night! (these things have made me considerably more nauseous lately)

We are still able and willing and "ready" to add to our family via foster-adoption though. Still keeping our training credits up to date and paperwork and home-visits. We're told that we're still well within the normal time range for fost-adopt families, which is between 2-3 years. We'll be waiting 2 years December 1.

2. Homeschool - I'm getting really excited about starting kindergarten with Jonah this fall. I have pretty much planned out what curriculum we're going to use - just have to come up with the funds to order it!

3. Praying about delivery options for new baby. Prior to Molly's c-section, if you had two you were to always have c-sections but that has changed and although both Jonah and Molly were c-section babies I can chose VBAC this time . . . I don't want to experience the whole labor for 24 hrs, push for 2 to then have a c-section and although the planned section for Molly was SUPER compared to Jonah's, however a normal vaginal birth is much better for both baby and my recovery so decisions, decisions . . . if it's a boy I'm going to lean towards a planned section but if it's a girl maybe she'll be smaller like Molly, not the whopping 9lb 7oz Jonah was. I guess I have some time to think about it!

4. And rather new - thinking of and praying for a "farm". Hobby farm. A place to run and grow (vegetables and kids) and learn. Since our VBN (very best neighbors) moved away a couple of weeks ago I seem to think and dream more and more of our little homestead we had planned to live at a year ago (had the housing market not crashed and we were indeed able to fix up and sell within 5 years as originally thought/planned.) I just seem to become more and more discontent with where we are now. Praying for contentedness no matter where we are suppose to be but hoping that this vision is the Lord's desire for us too.

5. Slightly anxious about prior mentioned baby because I'm as sick as I was with Nathan, which is much more sick than I was with my two healthy children. Hoping and praying for another healthy babe and that this morning sickness will end soon!

GIVEAWAY! For another family!

2011-03-28T13:04:00.002-04:00

Heather over at MissionMommyhoodEthiopia.blogspot.com is having a FANTASTIC giveaway to bring home their Ethiopian child. Entries are only $5.00 and there are 4 different grand prizes you could win. Please help support this family and get a chance to win a group of hand-crafted items. (I have donated two different items to the giveaway - an African ornament and a bookmark - from my etsy shop 4theleastofthese.esty.com.) :) (However, I don't have the bookmarks up yet so it's kind of like a sneak preview!)

Working on . . .

2011-03-17T20:54:00.005-04:00

Hand-spun yarn to sell for our adoption.

Beaded bookmarks to sell for our adoption.

Brainstorming other ideas for our adoption . . . raffles?

Putting aside (if only in my head) items for our spring garage sale, you guessed it, for our adoption.

And this week - BUSY working on our top secret poster for our church's Missions Conference poster contest. Jonah is helping me with the coloring, cutting, and pasting. Molly is moral support. Burch is too busy working on VBS decorations (yes, it's in June) - you won't want to miss it (if you're in the area)!

Next week - Continue to search out the "perfect" kindergarten homeschool curriculum for this coming fall (yes, I know it's not even spring yet but I like to be prepared.)

Being brave. But secretly hoping our current agency calls us with a permanent placement from foster care since there is little to no cost with this sort of adoption. We've been ready (as far as paperwork and documentation and license is concerned) for over a year!

Isn't it strange?

2011-02-26T21:06:00.002-05:00

That when you fill out applications for adoption you get to decide:
- whether or not to have a child with special needs
- decide to what degree of special need you're willing to parent
- even decide the gender

Wow - if I could have had choices like that when my three were conceived. I would definitely have two boys, may or may not have a girl (I'm certainly glad I do, and will happily take a few more of each gender now!). And Jonah wouldn't have had to have hypospadius surgery at 6 months, Nathan wouldn't have had tetrasomy 9p or died, and Molly wouldn't have been born with right suture craniosynostosis.

We're not high risk individuals either, don't do drugs, we rarely partake of alcohol (for example: hubby received four bottles of wine as a groomsman gift over four years ago and we still have at least 2 full bottles left), we exercise regularly, and eat fairly healthy other than Taco Bell or Little Caesars on the weekend. So, it's been hard and a little weird to say we want a child like "this" or "that." Knowing that our homegrown ones aren't guaranteed health either, just because I obstain from smoking or alcohol during pregnancy/breast feeding, or because I get regular OB check-ups as soon as they start letting me come. It's just a little strange.

I did okay!

2011-02-25T14:59:00.002-05:00

February 23 came and went without a hitch. Hubby had to take 5 days off before March 1 so he took 2 last week and 3 this week extending our 2-day weekend into a 5-day one, and to start our little staycation off right he took Jonah on a Dad-only "date" to Chuck E Cheese in the afternoon. Jonah LOVES that place. Mommy (I) however am not as impressed . . . let's just say video games are not my thing, but Daddy and Jonah had a ton of fun and after Molly and I ran some errands (including a Starbucks mocha while browsing Target's vast supply of my wants) we met them for pizza. We came home and then I took the kids and 2 neighbor kids to Calvary Kids at church. It was a great day.

I thought about Nathan all day, but didn't break down crying until late. Last year, as I posted about last year, I was basically a moody mess the entire week prior to and day of his 2nd birthday. Nathan is three years old, and three years with his Heavenly Father. God has given me such bountiful grace in enduring it . . .yet still everyday I pray I don't have to endure it with any other children He entrusts me with. I am so blessed to have been entrusted with Jonah and Molly thus far, and don't deserved a day longer but God is merciful! I hate that I had to love and lose so quickly with Nathan, but am so grateful that God chose me to carry him and love on him while he was here. So Happy 3 years with Jesus, little man! I love you sooo much!

Grand Opening!

2011-02-22T20:51:00.003-05:00

Of my Etsy shop: 4theLeastofThese

It doesn't have much yet except the previously posted Africa adoption ornaments.

When I get a round "to it" I'll add more! :)

If you are interested in the ornaments just search "Ethiopia ornament" and you can find my shop. Otherwise use this link: http://www.etsy.com/shop/4theLeastofThese?ref=top_trail

Matthew 18:5
"And whoever welcomes one such child in my name welcomes me."

Crafting for a Cause: Part 1

2011-02-20T18:12:00.006-05:00

Here are the first of my home-craftiness fundraising ideas finally born: (note-I thought this up in December) Christmas ornaments! Or you could just hang them on a wall or cork board, somewhere to help you remember to pray for our adoption journey and more importantly for the Orphans.

Ethiopa adoption of 4 siblings

Ethiopia ornament

Are you Ghana adopt? Or know someone who is?

Already to be mailed!

Democratic Republic of Congo

Sorry, I don't get the best pictures with our camera but you get the general idea, right?!? 100% of the profits will go to aid orphans, right now the plan is 50% going towards a humanitarian organization that helps orphans in the Congo while the other 50% going towards our international adoption, wherever that may be. If we don't go that route it WILL go towards someone's international adoption! So spread the word! Buy an ornament or two or twenty!

Happy Valentine's Day

2011-02-14T12:59:00.003-05:00

And Molly's 5-month anniversary of going to the hospital for surgery. Aunt Josie got her some barrets for Valentine's so I had to take the helmet off and get a quick photo! :)

(She's watching The Cosby Show while having a very healthy lunch of strawberry poptart and homemade applesauce, well maybe it's not entirely healthy but it's pink!) :P

Divine Hate

2011-01-24T15:50:00.002-05:00

It's amazing to hear words pop out of my child's vocabularly, without warning. Words I never really knew he knew until he uses them, in a sentence, appropriately. It's usually fun: i.e. "This dinner is delicious Mom." etc. However there is also a list of other, not so nice words that have popped up including but not limited to: "dumb," "stupid," and "hate." We don't use these words that often - dumb and stupid when referring to politics probably, hate for some inappropriate reasons I'm sure (because I'm human) - but hearing my innocent, cute, little child use them makes me take a step back and definitely become more aware of what comes out of my mouth. We've banned these words . . . until today. Hate. My sweet, compassionate boy has been using this in reference to people (usually me - when I'm disciplining him for something) and objects as well (certain foods, etc.) I finished Bringing Up Girls by Dr. James Dobson last night (finally) and learned that we are to teach our children "divine hatred." I never really realized I should teach him to hate. Evil only, of course but still. I don't like hearing the word "hate" and don't want it to become a word he says often but I guess I can no longer give his mouth a washing when it comes out in regards to a "bad choice" someone makes. It's going to be seperating the deed from the person that will be the hard part for our 4 1/2 year old, as it is for us many times.

Today I showed him in the Bible where it says that hating is okay. And I told him examples of when it is definitely NOT okay to say, and when it might be appropriate. I also apologized for giving him consequences for saying it when it was used in an appropriate way.

Romans 12:9
"Let love be without hypocrisy. Abhor what is evil, cling to what is good."

Hebrews 1:9
"You have loved righteousness and hated lawlessness; therefore God, your God, has annointed you with the oil of gladness above your companions."

Proverbs 8:13
"The fear of the LORD is to hate evil; Pride and arrogance and the evil way And the perverted mouth, I hate."

Quote for the day . . . and months ahead.

2010-12-15T21:20:00.002-05:00

"Faith is the supreme effort of your life - throwing yourself with abandon and total confidence upon God."
- Oswald Chambers

Every penny counts

2010-12-08T13:36:00.002-05:00

Or at least that's what I'm hoping.

Thinking that I may (and as crazy as it may seem to some people probably do) have a son half a world away makes/encourages me to save every penny more so than I normally would. I have to. It's the only way I can see to bring him home. We don't have the $25,000 to $30,000 sitting around ANYWHERE to afford this on our own. If this is God's will, He will have to provide. And if it is, He will.

That being said I did have a garage sale this fall to benefit adoption. At the time I really didn't think it would be benefiting our adoption because trying to adopt a foster child who's parental rights have already been terminated and who isn't your foster child and who is younger than your oldest who is only 4.5 years is well, highly unlikely. But, I still have the empty peanut butter jar with it's somewhat tattered label that reads "Cash donations. All proceeds will benefit adoption" still on my night stand with the $49.81 collected over two days - I didn't get a lot of visitors, I also didn't try as hard. In the spring we'll try that again, only try a LOT harder (advertise, more signs, etc.)!

I'm also listing TONS of stuff on craigslist and every penny is going into the jar. Stuff we don't use or use very little or just plain don't need is being listed. I pray it sells.

And, resisting those specialty coffee drinks I enjoy so much. Even the less expensive McCafe ones. I passed up a medium latte with non-fat milk and no flavoring (my favorite at McDonalds) and added the $3.00 to my jar instead.

We're making little changes in the way we live to bring home our child as soon as we possibly, as soon as God possibly can! And relying on God 100% to help us resist the temptation to purchase things/foods we don't need AND somehow, miraculously provide the funds. I have head knowledge He can do it . . .I'm having a harder time really believing it for real for my family. Maybe because I know I don't deserve to be blessed/entrusted with another child, I don't deserve the three I do have. But since when does God lavish gifts on us because we deserve them. For me that has never happened, God has blessed me soooo much, and I know I don't deserve any of them. God is merciful and gracious. That is the only reason.

We hope that in pursuing this child we are pursuing God's will for our family. We hope we're hearing Him right. And if we are, be ready to witness the awesome power of God! Because that's what it's going to take.

Whoa!

2010-12-06T18:29:00.002-05:00

I'm still in shock

but

we are filling out paperwork for an adoption from the Congo.

Africa is a long ways from the U.S. Foster Care system.

When I am no longer in shock maybe I can elaborate more.

Quotes to start the week.

2010-12-05T16:22:00.003-05:00

"Let Him lead thee blindfold onwards,
Love needs not to know;
Children whom the Father leadeth
Ask not where they go.
Though the paths be all unknown,
Over moors and mountains lone."
- Gerhard Tersteegen

"God constantly encourages us to trust Him in the dark."
- A. W. Tozer

"I will go before you and make the rough places smooth;
I will shatter the doors of bronze and cut through their iron bars.
I will give you the treasures of darkness
And hidden wealth of secret places,
So that you may know that it is I,
The LORD, the God of Israel, who calls you by your name."
- Isaiah 45:2-3

Prayer for victory over foes and fears

2010-12-04T13:12:00.002-05:00

Dear Heavenly Father,
I acknowledge you as my Savior and Lord. You are my sanctuary against all foes and fears. I confess I have feared men, words and people. Today I release these fears and choose to fear the Lord.
Today I choose to trust the facts of your goodness and love.
I thank you that you have not given me the spirit of fear, but of power, love and discipline.
I thank you that you are greater than all my enemies, all my problems and all my fears.
I renounce all of these fear objects, right now. Right now I receive the filling and presence of your Holy Spirit.
In Jesus name I believe the facts, that You love me, You died for me, You value me and You work all things together, in my life, for good.
In Jesus name, amen.

(this is a prayer that our Pastor used during worship service once - I just found it again on my fridge - perfect timing.)

This needs to be heard . . . .

2010-12-02T11:44:00.004-05:00

(I stole this from another blogger but it really does need to be heard.)

December 1st

2010-12-01T16:32:00.002-05:00

Something was suppose to happen regarding our adoption process today! See the sidebar, December 1, 2008 we attended our first meeting, December 1, 2009 we received approval to fost-adopt, December 1, 2010 - Nothing, Nada, Zero, Zilch. Oh wait, something is happening, my impatience is returning. (ha!)

Anyways, I was so hoping I see our licensing agency's number come across the phone and when I got home from running a few errands I was hoping the message was from them but nope.

But I still have 7.5 hours before the day is over!

The Call I've Been Waiting For

2010-09-24T14:11:00.003-04:00

We got today! Our adoption agency called with a low-risk placement.

And it's ironic: because Molly has only been home for ONE week since having skull reconstructure surgery. And because there would only be a NINE month difference between Molly and her baby sister. What timing!!!

So I enlisted a couple of prayer warriors and God gave me (us) a solid answer: Not at this time!

I'm so at peace with God's decision and so excited because we actually got a call! The agency hasn't forgotten us. Our paperwork still exists. Yeah. I will continue to pray for the right placement, the right child to fit into our little family!

Surgery

2010-09-18T21:31:00.003-04:00

Molly was admitted on Monday (Sept 13) morning for a 1pm CVL placement, surgery was Tuesday starting at 7:30am and she was in recovery by 2:30pm. Moved from pediatric critical care unit to a regular peds floor on Wednesday night and came HOME Friday! THANK YOU for praying for us!!!!! We are forever grateful for prayer warriors ALL over that have been lifting her and us up this past month!

Molly after surgery in "turbin" dressing.

Molly after "turbin" dressing is removed, this is Thursday, she's not feeling so good.

Saturday - feeling and acting back to normal. A pic of the normal mischievious Molly and one of her sutures.

Ugh! . . . that's how i've felt

2010-08-23T22:02:00.002-04:00

This is my baby girl's head, cute but crooked. We'd noticed it since birth but since it's not unusual for babies to have crooked heads we didn't worry too much or even mention it until maybe around 2 months or so. She was sent to get fitted for a helmet but the Orthotist noticed that she had flat spots on the same side of her head (the right side) which is unusual. If the front right side is flat usually the left back side is too and vice versa. Molly's dear little head had flat spots on the front right and back right - see picture above. So the Orthotist sent her for x-rays, which revealed a possible fused suture already so she was sent for a CT scan and yeppers, she is missing her front right suture. This means that as her brain grows it can only push out the left side of her head leaving her with a very crooked head and possibly, almost certainly eye problems in the future if left untreated (which it is in every other country except the U.S.). Molly has right suture craniosynostosis. We are looking at surgery for her in September, most likely.

Since we've been given a "date" and needless to say it's going to be soon anyways, I have been FLIPPING out. I am normally very good about reminding myself and making myself give things/burdens up to God but I'm getting sooooo nervous about the surgery. It's a fairly common procedure, we have a good, experienced doctor, and have heard multiple reports of kids doing great afterwards but I can't help but think of all the "what if's" that could happen when the surgeon is cutting open my daughter's skull. I'm so afraid of losing another child. And it's causing me to be sad and on-edge. I hate that I'm letting this fear overtake me at times right now. But I created this blog to be transparent and let you see how God takes this dirty, piece of clay and shapes it into something beautiful . . .someday. This past week I've been truly fearful.

And mad. Angry. At stupid stuff. Like missing Baby Dedication at church. It's an important day in our lives as parents and we had to miss that last one that we could have possibly been a part of and now this one. Given that it's scheduled for the Sunday after her surgery date. I've been so mad that we have to miss it . . . again.

I have reminded myself that God loves Molly more than I do, and I love her A LOT! She is His creation. He formed her. He's going to take care of her, and me. These things I know. And yet, the fear of burying two children is still lurking in the shadows of my every day. It sucks to say, but it's true. I want the truth of Philippians 4:6-7 to reign again.

God,
I cast all my cares upon you.
I lay all of my burdens down at your feet.
Anytime, I don't know just what to do,
I just cast all my cares upon you.

Philippians 4:6-7
"Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God, and the peace of God which transcends all understanding will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus."

Too Safe.

2010-04-20T18:00:00.004-04:00

From The Lion, The Witch and The Wardrobe by C.S. Lewis:

"Aslan is a man!" said Mr. Beaver sternly. "Certainly not. I tell you he is the King of the wood and the son of the great Emperor-Beyond-the-Sea. Don't you know who is the King of Beasts? Aslan is a lion - the Lion, the great Lion."
"Ooh!" said Susan. "I'd thought he was a man. Is he - quite safe? I shall feel rather nervous about meeting a lion."
"That you will, dearie, and not mistake," said Mrs. Beaver, "if there's anyone who can appear before Aslan without their knees knocking, they're either braver than most or else just silly."
"Then he isn't safe?" said Lucy.
"Safe?" said Mr. Beaver. "Don't you hear what Mrs.Beaver tells you? Who said anything about safe? 'Course he isn't safe. But he's good. He's the King, I tell you."

How many times a week do you pray for safety? I know just about every time I'm about to leave my house I pray for safety. I pray everyday for my husband as he travels to and from work. I pray that my kids stay safe e-v-e-r-y day. There's nothing wrong with this. However, there is something wrong about being too concerned for safety that you never move out of your comfort zone, never pursue where you feel God leading you, never step into ministry.

Is heading overseas to minister to anti-Christian nations safe? No.
Is it important? Yes.
Is adopting a child from who-knows what kind of background safe? No.
Is it important? Yes.
Is inviting a homeless person into your house for a home-cooked meal safe? No.
Is it important? Yes.
Is tithing out of your "making ends meet" income safe? No.
Is it important? Yes.

Serving God whole-heartedly isn't going to be safe, not in this world, not until we're present in the New Heaven and New Earth, but it's important because it's important to obey God. I would love to see Christians more concerned about loving their neighbor than remaining safe in their own little comfort zone. Myself included.

The Second Half

2010-03-03T21:59:00.002-05:00

James 1:27
"Religion that God our Father accepts as pure and faultless is this: to look after orphans and widows in their distress and to keep oneself from being polluted by the world."

I've mentioned this verse in prior posts, referring to the part about looking after orphans. We've moved forward as much as we can and/or have felt called to at the moment and so far we're just waiting. To adopt, that is. However, after we adopt, that child is no longer an orphan but a member of our forever family on earth and hopefully, at some point soon in his/her life, for eternity. We will need to continue to "look after orphans" as God has instructed us to. While waiting to adopt and even after we do (if that is God's plan for us), the one thing we can do (with our limited financial resources) is to pray. I am on a list to receive notifications whenever there is a new child waiting for adoption (internationally), I don't delete the email until I have specifically prayed for that child. This is how I am fulfilling my duty to look after orphans for now, and until I have more money, time, etc. to look after them in other ways.

But the second part of that verse has been tugging at my heart just as much: to look after widows in their distress. I'm not exactly sure how to go about that. Please share any ideas you have, I'd really like to fulfill both parts of the commandment to the best of my ability.

Happy 2nd Birthday Nathan Michael

2010-02-23T13:18:00.003-05:00

Through our foster care training we have heard and read numerous times about the "crises" in adoption. These occur, for many children, at "the legalization of the adoption" as well as during "any time or event that reminds children of previous losses or the times that lead them to think about the birth family." I could understand that from an outsiders view but just recently came to have an even better understanding.
As the month of February begins I start dreading today. And about a week into it I became quite grumpy - especially towards Burch (I do have more patience with the kiddos - I think that's part of being a mom.) But I would overreact and become emotional over the slightest thing. I recognized it and Burch was wondering what was going on. And then I realized all my thoughts kept boiling down to this day. I realized that this is going to be my "time of crises." The month of February is going to remind me that I'm not planning a birthday party or that one of my babies is growing up. Today I am reminded that I won't have to be dealing with the terrible two's any time soon - and let me tell you, today I would much rather be dealing with them than not.
Maybe this will help me be a better foster/adoptive mom, if we are ever blessed with that opportunity. Or maybe I'll just be better equipped to help others going through the same thing. Right now - I just want to make it through the day.

Moments like these.

2010-02-19T16:17:00.003-05:00

Cuddled up on the couch with a good book (Crazy Love by Francis Chan), my baby girl snuggled up and sleeping peacefully on my chest, the mid-day sun starting it's retreat yet still shining brightly through the window, and the evening song of the chickadees resounding just outside. Moments like these are shalom. Moments like these I don't want to forget. Moments like these remind me that spring is not that far away (even if snow is predicted all the following week). Moments like these testify to the Creator.

Down syndrome

2010-02-12T14:12:00.002-05:00

I don't know much, okay, nothing about Down syndrome except that I'm reading Sarah Palin's book Going Rogue right now and she "read that almost 90 percent of Down syndrome babies are aborted . . ." - YIKES! That's horrible. Especially when I read further: "In my research on Down syndrome, I learned that these special kids most often bring joy into their family's lives. While they had developmental challenges, they were also affectionate, generous, and cheerful." It is really too bad that (at least) 90% of affectionate, generous, and cheerful human beings are being killed before even having a chance to really live. No wonder our world is so messed up.

His Void Felt

2010-02-11T12:47:00.003-05:00

The void left by Nathan has been felt, finally and extremely. I am some-what ashamed to admit that I'm not a baby baby person but had almost completely forgot what it was like to hold and gaze upon and drink in the smell of your own baby. It's amazing. It's a reminder of God's love for me, which is even greater than the love I have for Molly and Jonah and Nathan, it's too great to realize but parenting does bring it closer in meaning. This is what I missed out on when God took Nathan soooo early. It's bringing a whole new sense of grief into my everyday. Jonah and Molly make me smile, thinking that I missed all that with Nathan makes me cry.
Some people have the pseudo-comfort that if they're little one had lived they wouldn't have the baby blessing they do now - those who were blessed with a baby right away after the passing of a child. I don't have that - all three of mine are about 22 months apart (on the plus note I know when to be careful if we're not ready for more - as if I have any control . . . ). So, basically, that's of NO comfort. I could enjoy all three, there was enough lapse between pregnancies.
However, everything happens for a reason, and feeling this void in my life is just calling and pulling me closer towards Jesus. I know Nathan cannot fill that void, I know that no other child can, I know that only Jesus can. Something I read recently says it perfectly:

"We are programmed to focus on what we don't have, bombarded multiple times throughout the day with what we need to buy that will make us feel happier or sexier or more at peace. This dissatisfaction transfers over to our thinking about God. We forget that we already have everything we need in Him." - Francis Chan in Crazy Love (emphasis mine)

Molly Jean is HERE!

2009-12-20T18:39:00.003-05:00

All praise and glory to our God! He has blessed us yet again, this time her name is Molly Jean and she is perfect. She was born at 7:58am on December 17th via c-section. She was 7lbs 13oz and 20 inches long. We are in awe and amazment of this precious blessing! Thank you Jesus!

Fost-Adopt Miracle #2!!!

2009-12-01T13:20:00.004-05:00

I can't believe it but we are officially approved for foster care-to-adopt!!! I'm so glad we've reached this milestone. Now we wait for a precious child (x2 - Molly and a middle brother!) Molly will be here in 2 1/2 weeks if not sooner. We are SOOOOO excited to meet her! She acts anxious to get out too - so crazy with movement.

And I just realized it has been exactly one year from our first meeting to our approved license!

Praise God from whom all blessings flow!

Fost-Adopt Miracle #1 and Update

2009-11-04T16:40:00.004-05:00

We actually, yes, my husband too agreed (that is the real miracle) to consider adopting. And not only adopting but adopting an older and/or special needs child. We listened to God and prayed to make sure we were listening correctly and then obeyed and took the plunge. We have done all we can do up until this point. And I feel good about it. About obeying even when we had our doubts. Adopting is not the easy way to have kids. Even considering the aches and pains of pregnancy - which I am quite familiar with at this point and joke about only adopting the rest due to - having your own really is easier. I've gone through enough training and filled out enough paperwork to realize that adopting is going to take much more work, patience, and pain than physically pushing a baby out. (Fertility issues aside - I didn't experience those as long as other couples are forced too, and I'm glad! I don't know the heartache and pain of trying for years on end, and don't want to. I feel for any who do understand that.)

So I consider that fact that we chose to obey God when He was asking something of us that is very unfamiliar and uncomfortable our first miracle.

Now we are waiting for our second miracle. When we were completing our last homevisit we were told the wait for our approval from the State would be 6 weeks to 3 months. The 3 months came and went and so I inquired to our caseworker (who is great, by the way) as to when she thought we would get it, or could it have possibly gotten lost at the state level, that sort of thing. She informed me that the state was really back-logged and every one was having to wait (as I mentioned in an earlier post). She also said she would find out where it was and when it was expected to be read/approved. I got an email today from her today regarding that: the lady that has our paperwork hasn't read it yet and doesn't know when she will get to it. I could go into more detail but it looks like it's going to be a LONG wait. To say that I'm slightly disappointed would be an understatement, however I do have complete peace regarding it. But the second miracle, according to me, would be for us to receive our official fost-adopt license in the mail soon, especially since it's not all expected to be a "soon" for us.

With Molly's expected arrival just 6 weeks away I can't say that I'm entirely too anxious to have a foster placement right now. But I would like our paperwork to be "official" so when the time comes we're not waiting on it. As soon as a child that matches our profile is available we would start visits, even if we're still waiting on the state but he wouldn't be able to move in until we have it, and we definitely wouldn't be able to finalize an adoption until afterwards. Miracle #3 would be that Jonah has a brother - we're hoping to adopt a boy at this point. I know I'm not anxious to go from one kid to three in a matter of weeks but God is powerful and if that's His plan I'm cool with it. And it's so precious to hear Jonah ask for his sister AND brother to play with him. I told him to inquire of God for the brother part, so he had been. And he prays for Molly every day too. So precious!

So here's a very un-hopeful me not expecting to blog about our fost-adopt process for awhile, unless you prayer warriors get on it! (hint, hint) :)

Embracing My Weaknesses

2009-10-30T15:44:00.003-04:00

"How Can We Build Love for Ourselves" has been the topic of the month from our Pastor at Green Lake Calvary (http://www.greenlakecalvary.org/ - how's that for a plug) and has been an EXCELLENT series and still not complete. I can't miss a Sunday because the information is soooo helpful. But to summarize what I've gathered so far really quickly the key to loving others is first learning to love yourself and he's been going through the steps needed to do that.

What is Step #1, you ask? I'll be glad to tell you that it's Embrace Your Weaknesses. Don't dwell on them, don't feel badly you have weaknesses, but acknowledge them and move on. So, I'm going to show everyone (that looks at this blog) without feeling (too) badly about my own knitting weaknesses my recent accomplishment: (sorry it's sideways)

Yes, it's a knitted baby sleeper gown. And yes, it took me about TWO years to complete. And yes, there are oodles and oodles of mistakes but I finally just finished putting it together (not the way good knitters do because I was tired of having an unfinished project around.) BUT - it's still wearable! And it's done! And that's what counts so I can move on and start new projects, all while continuing to embrace my weaknesses! :)

Milestone

2009-10-29T14:04:00.002-04:00

Molly Jean is 32 weeks today. I was also 32 weeks along with Nathan when he went to be with the Lord.

It is also 2 days before Halloween. My 18 week ultrasound revealing that little Nathan wouldn't live very long was 2 days before Halloween.

I'll be glad to wake up tomorrow and the next day and the next and the next and still have this wiggly girl inside, livin' it up!

I Missed It!

2009-10-23T12:33:00.002-04:00

I can't believe I missed it. National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Rememberance Day was October 15.

Actually, I can believe it. I remember every day so what is one nationally recognized day a year going to do to change that.

I miss you little boy. I wonder, sometimes, what it would be like to have a 3-yr old, 1-yr old, and a new baby around. Sometimes that thought makes me glad you are with your Savior (if I have to be honest), but other times I really miss the drama (and fun) that would be. Love you!

My heart skips a beat everytime.

2009-10-08T17:06:00.002-04:00

Everytime I hear the mailman and think that maybe today we'll get our official Fost-adopt license in the mail. He just completed rounds on our street so that's what made me think of it. As hopeful as I am to open up the mailbox and find it, I continue to doubt it ever will come.

P.S. Speaking of adoption, everyone should listen to last week's Adopted for Life on familylife.com archives.

First Week of Preschool - Home Style

2009-09-18T17:27:00.006-04:00

First Day of Preschool at Home (September 16)

First Field Trip: Klackle Orchards (September 18)

All the homeschoolers ready to learn!

Picking our 1/4 peck of Gala's!

Tessa and Jonah ready to head back for cider & donuts.

Homeschooling a preschooler is really no different than parenting a preschooler. Being mom, teacher, and playmate is what I've spent the last 3 years doing and it's basically the same for the preschooler. Socialization, I can see, might have been a problem in the past but with kids who attend church regularly, have other friends as well, go to the MOPPETS program and other MOPS gatherings, and have awesome neighbor friends like us I don't think socializing this kid is going to be hard. I only fear he'll WANT to go to school to be with friends since he seems to prefer them to me now (can that be considered a growing pain?)
However, I have put together a sort-of schedule to keep us on "track." We have time (2-3 days) for lessons. For example, today we had a field trip instead of an actual sit-down lesson, but if we need to we can spend three days a week on a letter or number lesson. We have time each day for devotions and Bible learning and I've set aside 1-2 days for a special craft (beyond routine coloring and painting). This is all an experiment to see how we both do. Like I mentioned, I have a feeling he's going to want to go to school because he loves to be with other kids and is strangely fascinated with big, yellow school buses. And we're not trading our mini-van for one any time soon. :)

Why do I do it?

2009-09-15T20:10:00.002-04:00

Why do I spend time looking at Waiting Children on the internet? It just breaks my heart and there's nothing more I can do right now, and that breaks my heart. There are too many kids that need good homes, proper caring for, and love.

If you read this say a prayer for them please.

C-Section Scheduled

2009-09-06T09:46:00.004-04:00

December 17, 2009 @ 7:30am is the lucky day if I chicken out on VBAC . . . .or if Molly appears to be as big as her biggest brother at birth (Jonah was 9lbs 7oz).

I'm getting more excited the closer it gets and now it's just around the corner. By the time we make it through our fall camping trip and other fun fall activities, Halloween, Thanksgiving, and Christmas shopping it will be time. I can hardly believe it. I have few hours to teach Jonah how to proficiently use his Leap Pad so he will be better at entertaining himself, and homeschooling himself. :)

I've recently brought my Raggedy Anne doll and Cabbage Patch doll home from my parent's attic so Jonah could get use to helping care for a baby . . . However, running them over with his Monster Trucks and seeing how many wild pushes in the outdoor baby swing before they fall out is his current interest in them. He's all boy - that's a good thing. Occasionally he'll put them in my old doll highchair and feed them grapes or cheerios, but that's a rarity when he doesn't feel like finishing his snack.

Please continue to keep Molly in your prayers! Thanks!

Considering Homeschool.

2009-08-27T15:32:00.002-04:00

Jonah could start preschool this fall, but we have decided to homeschool through 1st grade at least . . .
1. Public preschools cost money.
2. Preschool material can easily be taught at home and often is without knowing it.
3. Getting through a "grade" will give us a better understanding of the concept and practice of homeschooling and help us to decide if it's right for us and/or our kid(s).

I keep thinking of all the benefits of public school as I mull over what materials to use for preschool and beyond - right now it seems so overwhelming. Just preschool materials alone are so numerous, how do we decide which curriculum to use as our son grows up? (note: private schools are out of the question due to the expense.)
Benefits of a public school:
- gives mom a break at home :)
- they get to enjoy holiday parties with treats and fun
- marching band
- they can make life-long friends
- marching band
- I don't have to think about or purchase their curriculum, just have to be there for help and to clarify issues (i.e. evolution)
- basically free education

Benefits of homeschool:
- develops a closer family unit
- can control and create a Biblically-based education
- the school day is shorter - more time for play
- it is more flexible - we can maintain our yearly FALL camping trip
- there are still loads of activities involving other homeschoolers such as drama club, sports, and music - the social aspect is still there - and you know who their friends are
- safer (let's face it, there's been enough school shootings to shy me away from public schools, but I also believe God has our days numbered as well.)

(these are benefits that I can think of but since I have never homeschooled before I could be wrong)

I'm just thinking "out loud" after visiting the Homeschool Building bookstore today and pouring over the Rainbow Resource Center catalogue. School starts soon so I really need to narrow down what to do for "school" with our 3-year old preschooler. How much is too much at this age? What should be our focus? How long to have "school" each day?

Foster-Adopt Update

2009-08-12T15:42:00.003-04:00

I contacted our caseworker last week, just to check in and see if she had heard anything regarding our pending license and turns out that the State is really, really back-logged and everyone's licenses are taking much longer that anticipated. So, it's not just us - that's good news. She was unable to even give an estimated time frame for it to come through so we are just to sit back and relax (be patient). She did mention that if any available children came through the system that matched our preferences (0-2.5 yrs) she would contact us and get us started on pre-placement visits anyways, so we really haven't "missed" out on anyone yet. I'm not worried about it at all, but it would be really nice for Jonah to have an instant playmate since all he wants to do all day is play with mommy - I think having Nicholas and Lauren (the kids I use to watch) around all the time spoiled him. :)

So that's that. Still waiting. And patiently so far . . .

It's a GIRL!

2009-08-04T20:23:00.003-04:00

Jonah was right - he's having a baby sister! He seems very excited and even kisses my belly in the morning when we're cuddling in bed and says "Jonah like baby sister." Although he's not too sure about sharing his toys. Ha. I was expecting that though.

The name is pretty much set in stone: MJ are her initials and nickname. (Unless of course we change our minds . . . ) :)

Wait

2009-07-14T14:16:00.002-04:00

I stole this poem from another blog, which was from another blog, but I really, really like it:

Desperately, helplessly, longingly, I cried;
Quietly, patiently, lovingly, God replied.
I pled and I wept for a clue to my fate...
and the Master so gently said,"Wait."
"Wait? you say wait?" my indignant reply.
"Lord, I need answers, I need to know why!"
Is your hand shortened? Or have you not heard?
By faith I have asked, and I'm claiming your Word.
My future and all to which I relate
hangs in the balance and you tell me to Wait?
"I'm needing a 'yes', a go-ahead sign.
Or even a 'no,' to which I'll resign.
You promised, dear Lord, that if we believe,
We need but to ask, and we shall receive.
Lord, I've been asking, and this is my cry:
I'm weary of asking! I need a reply.
Then quietly, softly, I learned of my fate
as my Master replied again, "Wait."
So I slumped in my chair, defeated and taut,
and grumbled to God, "So, I'm waiting...for what?"
He seemed then to kneel, and His eyes met with mine...
and He tenderly said, "I could give you a sign.
I could shake the heavens and darken the sun.
I could raise the dead and cause mountains to run.
I could give all you seek and pleased you would be.
You'd have what you want, but you wouldn't know Me.
You'd not know the depth of My love for each saint.
You'd not know the power that I give to the faint.
You'd not learn to see through clouds of despair;
you'd not learn to trust just by knowing I'm there.
You'd not know the joy of resting in Me
when darkness and silence are all you can see.
You'd never experience the fullness of love
when the peace of My spirit descends like a dove.
You would know that I give, and I save, for a start,
But you'd not know the depth of the beat of My heart.
The glow of My comfort late into the night,
the faith that I give when you walk without sight.
The depth that's beyond getting just what you ask
From an infinite God who makes what you have last.
You'd never know should your pain quickly flee,
what it means that My grace is sufficient for thee.
Yes, your dearest dreams overnight would come true,
but oh, the loss if I lost what I'm doing in you.
So, be silent, my child, and in time you will see
that the greatest of gifts is to truly know me.
And though oft My answers seem terribly late,
My most precious answer of all is still "WAIT".

Sticking With You

2009-07-12T15:24:00.004-04:00

If you haven't noticed I can relate a lot of my life to music, I listen to it often and connect to it. The lyrics by Addison Road in their hit song "Sticking With You" have described what I feel now and what I'm going to have to remind myself of when the going gets tough with our future adopted son or daughter. Children in Foster Care are there because of awful situations that are none of their fault, yet, kids always blame themselves and this can cause more issues. I've been doing some reading on FAS (fetal alcohol syndrome) and other drug-addicted symptoms that will play out in their small victims throughout the years, and it's terrible. Knowing that we will most likely be adopting a child that was abused prenatally at the very least it's going to be long and tough road, but in my heart I know it will be worth it. All children deserve a chance and a forever family that will truly love them. Nothing worth doing ever comes easily. And with God ALL things are possible. This song describes some of the feelings that will come up as a result of being adopted, being abused, etc. etc. I am fairly sure that's not what Addison Road is talking about in this song, but I can see it in every word and the overall message that these kids that have been moved from home to home need to hear is that someone is sticking by them.

"Come on, it's me you're talking to
There's something going on inside of you
Don't have to say it, but I wish you would
Cause it would be much easier
You always hide behind yourself
You walk a lonely road with no one's help
I hate to break the news
You're headed for a fall

And if I have to jump
Then I'll jump
And I won't look down
You can cry, you can fight, we can scream and shout
I'll push and pull
Until your walls come down
And you understand I'm gonna be around
I'm sticking with you (I'm stinking with you)

Even if you try and shut me out
I'm staying here cause that's what love's about
I might let you down, but I won't let you go
So lean into me, I want to know
Everything about the fear you hold inside
Cause you and I are better than just one,

So if I have to jump
Then I'll jump
And I won't look down
You can cry, you can fight, we can scream and shout
I'll push and pull
Until your walls come down
And you understand I'm gonna be around
I'm sticking with you.

If that's what it means to love you
If that's what it means to have your back
If that's what it takes to show you
Then I'm in, I'm in

If I have to jump
Then I'll jump
And I won't look down
You can cry, you can fight, we can scream and shout
I'll push and pull
Until your walls come down
And you understand I'm gonna be
Cuz I'm sticking with you"

Everytime I hear this song on the radio (WayFM.com) I sing it to my future adopted kid(s)!

A Small Word of Remembrance.

2009-07-01T15:19:00.002-04:00

To all who know their babies won't live long:

Enjoy e-v-e-r-y second. EVERY kick. EVERY hiccup. EVERY bit of movement. Don't be afraid of what others think and don't be afraid to bring up the topic of your precious child just because it's common knowledge that they won't live long. It's a hard topic and people not directly involved (i.e. you and your husband/wife) will not want to talk about it. Because to them it may be an "it" and never more. But to you and God your "it" in utero is precious and created in His image and will always be, even if not on earth. Eternity is MUCH longer and you'll all be together then, even those people that didn't want to acknowledge the life you are holding inside you.

It may be uncomfortable at first but don't shy away from expressing the joy of what time you do have together, of the movements of life you are feeling, etc. with others. I have to believe that eventually they too will be glad to have known a little more of your precious son or daughter. I regret not talking more about our little Nathan for the sake of other's reactions. And am forever grateful to those that did ask about him constantly, acknowledging his presence on earth.

Coming this Christmas . . . .

2009-06-25T06:51:00.004-04:00

Due to arrive on Christmas Eve: Baby #3!

Lil' Pirate (Big Brother named him/her) is a total surprise to us, obviously, we have felt called and led to pursue adoption through foster care. But we have decided to continue on with that road too! (scary but also very exciting) I am really hoping that we will be able to adopt a 12-24 month (possibly closer to 24 month old) child since having two within a year of each other has NEVER been a desire of mine. :) Unless of course they are more self-sufficient than newborns.

So I now have some heavy duty prayer requests for you Prayer Warriors:
1. That this new baby grows healthy in mind, body and soul, always!
2. That we will continue to have clear discernment of God's will for us regarding adoption.
3. That if adoption is still in God's plan for us at this time that things will speed up a bit in that area (i.e. paperwork, placement). If not, that He'll give us patience and peace.
4. That Jonah will have a close relationship always with his new sibling in utero, and if applicable his sibling waiting to be placed in our forever home.
5. That we would continue to be prepared for adopting: gaining wisdom and patience daily, becoming ready and informed on how to foster attachment, and anything we'll need to handle and deal in a Godly way with the baggage our adopted son/daughter might have.

Thanks in advance for praying these specific prayer requests for us!!!

2009-05-30T14:50:00.001-04:00

Jonah: "Birdie eat worm? Okay, Jonah find worm."

Everyday Miracles

2009-05-23T14:20:00.002-04:00

Psalm 139:13
"For you created my inmost being;
you knit me together in my mother's womb."

Babies are miracles. Anyone who has ever had a baby or been close to those who have know this. Those who have read and understood God's Word know this. God individually creates each and every child. They are miracles sent to us each and every day. It's not hard to praise God and marvel at His works when we are in the presence of a newborn or delighting in a 1-year old's growing personality or laughing so hard we're crying at our 2-year old's antics.

But these miracles grow up. And sometimes I think it is hard for us to still picture them as God's handiwork, created in His image. I'm talking especially about the grown-ups around us. Those that just passed us on the freeway, those we ride the bus with, those that get behind us in line at Starbucks, those we brush past in the aisle at Barnes & Noble. I'm so in raising young children and hoping to have more babies mode I am completely ignorant of the grown-up miracles too often. I wonder how many divine appointments I've missed. Sometimes I see one open and look the other way. "I'm too busy right now Lord." "My son will get too anxious if I stop to talk." "I can't talk long enough to witness because it's Jonah's naptime."

I know my main ministry right now is raising Jonah to love the Lord the best I can. That's my primary ministry, I'm down-right sure of it. But that doesn't mean there are mini-ministries I can't be apart of.

Everyone has a story, a past, and I hope that many people have successes. Those that don't need the encouragement to seek after some success - from moving up the ladder to just quitting smoking. Why is it that as an adult I'm so quick to make judgements about the willingness of another person to change? Why do I sometimes think that people need to change? As if I have it down (I try to live to the best of my ability but the fact that I can even post this makes it obvious that I don't always do so.) Why do I see the way someone dresses or even walks and automatically assume I have their personal characteristics nailed down? Why can't I be more like a 3-year old who sees someone "different" and is instead curiously drawn to them rather than attempting to make a bee-line in the opposite direction?

Jesus was relational. We (I) need to be the same. Jesus didn't avoid people unlike himself, he welcomed them as if they were. And Jesus was WAY unlike everyone else - he was perfect. If anyone had the right to be snobbish towards others it would be him. Who am I to be the "better than thou" one? And with Jesus by my side who am I to back away from someone who might just need a smile? Or a friendly "hi?"

Ode to My Hubby

2009-05-21T14:10:00.002-04:00

I just want to say how thankful I am and how blessed I am to have the man I do as my husband. I am amazed almost daily at his strength (both physical and spiritual), his ingenuity, his devotion to the Lord and to his family, his spirit, his compassion for others, his understanding for me (and my many faults), his selflessness. He is one of the most hard-working men I know. He can figure out how to do anything that needs to get done at home and for others. He'll put energy and thoughtfulness into everything he wants to get done, or needs to get done. I am so proud to have him as my husband and so blessed to have him taking care of me and my family. I am especially thankful to the Lord, who has blessed us with him and has given him the ability to do all that he does.

Burch,
I love you as my husband and father of our children and I respect you as a man and as head of our household. You're the best there is!

The Three Year Old.

2009-05-19T19:27:00.004-04:00

So, having a 3-year old sounded old and now I realize it's true, it's really true. He is so much older and growing up way too fast.

He asks to go outside and if given permission, and sometimes even if he's not given permission he unlocks, opens, and closes the sliding glass door by himself. And even better, he's very good about staying in the back yard. This is new.

If he sees his neighbors come home or go outside he will yell over to them:
"Holly, come play. Come Play. COME PLAY!" (Holly is the 9-yr old but he uses that term for all of them, all 7 of them, he hasn't learned to say all of their names yet.)

We were semi-concerned about him not using complete sentences yet but he surprised us on his birthday weekend by clearly stating: "I don't want to" when I asked him to come into the bedroom to get a new diaper on. I guess he can, he just doesn't want to (talk that much).

When he is outside and he wants to swing he pushes his little tikes truck up to the swing (it's a toddler one), steps onto the back of it and climbs into the swing (it is too high for him to get in from the ground) and then he pushes himself off the truck to get swinging.

Honestly, I like it that he is more independent. When he wants me to play with him, he tells me "Mommy, come play. Play Jonah." He uses third person a lot too, which is funny although I try to repeat what he says with the proper pronouns.

Tonight after dinner, he pushes himself away from the table and gets down, Burch asks if he's really done eating and he says "Jonah play car. Jonah all done." He was on his way to play with his cars, which are near the table. Seriously this child cracks me up - ALL THE TIME. I thought the 2-yr stage was the best but I think maybe it's the 3-yr stage now, the majority of the terribleness is gone, he listens and obeys better and he's still little kid cute but more independent. My mom did tell me that each stage she thought she liked better and better than the last, we'll see . . .

Fost-Adopt Update

2009-05-05T15:38:00.002-04:00

We had our final homevisit last night and passed with flying colors. But we did find out that the wait for the State to approve us as Foster-Adopt parents is not 4-6 weeks but 6 weeks to 3 MONTHS. It seems like a long time but really that is coming up in July which sort of works out perfectly at this time. We have a lot going on before that - Memorial Day weekend, VBS in June, two weddings in June, one that is out-of-state, and then we can settle down and relax in July. That means by the end of July we will be (hopefully) approved to foster to adopt 0 - 2.5 year olds and do respite care for boys 0-5 yrs old and girls 0-3 yrs old. The reason for that difference is because we can have a child 0-3 yrs in our room and any age of boy in Jonah's room (same gender only can share a room). Obviously if we only have one baby they will sleep in our room to make feedings easier.

So now we wait, but with lots to do until then. The hard part will be waiting for a placement once we are approved by August.

Postponed

2009-04-28T13:04:00.002-04:00

We were suppose to have our second (and hopefully last) homevisit last night but it was cancelled because our caseworker lost a very good friend early in the morning. She was still planning on coming out but then got a flat tire and then soaking wet putting on the spare and decided to call it a day.

We're dissappointed it's taking so long but wouldn't have expected her to come out under those circumstances anyways. Please pray for her and her friend's family that they be comforted during this difficult time. Thank you!

My New Middle Name

2009-04-15T15:30:00.002-04:00

Just call me Jean Patiently-or-not-so-Patiently-WAITING.

The wonderful game all those pursueing adoption get to play: Wait and then wait some more. We FINALLY have our (hopefully) last homevisit scheduled (at the end of the month), but then we have to wait for our Foster Care license to be approved by the State which takes 4-6 weeks in itself (I am praying we're on the 4 week side of that wait!), and then we have to wait for a child(ren) that has had parental rights terminated to be matched with us (which could take forever.) And if it does take forever that would also be a good thing because that would mean parents are taking care of their children the way they should be. Then I might really have to consider drugs to get preggers though, and like, take them, consistently, and that might not work, and then Jonah will be a lone sibling until he's in heaven, and then . . .

Good thing I can sit back and relax and give it all to my God - He does ask us to give Him our burdens you know. Ahhhhhhh. Thankyou Jesus!

Unfortunately, I can relate.

2009-04-11T17:08:00.003-04:00

Recently I've been trying to read through the major and minor prophets but yesterday I took a hiatis from that and skipped ahead to John for my daily Bible reading. On Good Friday it just seemed appropriate. So I started at chapter 16 and read through 19 (tomorrow I'll continue with 20!).

Let me backtrack a bit and quote you something I heard not long ago that has been on my heart since because of it's truthfulness and relevance to me:

"The loss of a child is a fate worse than death."

There were/are many days I just wish it was me that went home because the pain becomes too great. And everytime I'm around a newly pregnant woman or new baby I yearn that my little Nathan was with me on earth, that I could show him off and beam with pride at all his new antics - it would be easier for me if I were home than to bear the heartache. That's why I haven't been able to shake the above mentioned words from my mind.

When Jesus died God lost a son. Like I did. God can understand exactly what I feel and know the pain I went through. But get this, God also died because Jesus is God (God the son). So He faced both things humans fear, death for themselves which is considered bad (especially to those who do not have the security of life eternal in Heaven) and death of a child which is "a fate worse than death."

John 16:20-22
"I tell you the truth, you will weep and mourn while the world rejoices. You will grieve, but your grief will turn to joy. A woman giving birth to a child has pain because her time has come but when her baby is born she forgets the anguish because of her joy that a child is born into the world. So with you: Now is your time of grief, but I will see you again and you will rejoice and no one will take away your joy."

Easter represents to us the day that Christ rose from the dead. God the son is alive and God the father has His son back. Someday I will too, until then I will grieve and hope that I can forget the anguish of losing him when I get home because he was safe and sound and at peace his ENTIRE life.

Hope that I need.

2009-03-26T21:55:00.002-04:00

Isaiah 51:12-13
"I, even I, am he who comforts you.
Who are you that you fear mortal men,
the sons of men, who are but grass,
that you forget the LORD your Maker,
who stretched out the heavens and laid the foundations of the earth,
that you live in constant terror every day because of the wrath of the oppressor, who is bent on destruction?
For where is the wrath of the oppressor?"

Isaiah 65:18-20
"But be glad and rejoice forever in what I will create,
for I will create Jerusalem to be a delight and its people a joy.
I will rejoice over Jerusalem and take delight in my people;
the sound of the weeping and of crying will be heard in it no more.
Never again will there be in it an infant who lives but a few days,
or an old man who does not live out his years;
he who dies at a hundred will be thought a mere youth; he who fails to reach a hundred will be considered accursed."

Foster Care Stats

2009-03-22T16:26:00.002-04:00

*There are 510,000 children in the U.S. foster care system; 129,000 of these children are available for adoption.
*More children become available for adoption each year than are adopted. In 2006, 79,000 children had parental rights terminated by the courts, yet only 51,000 were adopted.
*A child in foster care can wait up to five years to be adopted.
*The average age of the child waiting to be adopted from foster care is eight years old.
*The average number of months a child waiting to be adopted has been in foster care is 39 months.
*Each year, 20% of children (26,517 in 2006) exit foster care at age 18 without an adoptive family.
*Nearly 40 percent of American adults, or 81.5 million people, have considered adopting a child, according to the National Adoption Attitudes Survey. If just one in 500 of these adults adopted, every waiting child in foster care would have a permanent family.

(From the Dave Thomas Foundation For Adoption)

A "How To" by Jonah

2009-03-12T13:43:00.006-04:00

If you're like me then you L - O - V - E bath time. In my almost three years of joyful living I've discovered four methods of assuring bath time:

1. Throw-up
2. Have extremely horrible diarrhea (this is from my friend Lou-Lou)
3. Take your dirty diaper off and play with the poo in bed - (use it as you would finger paint)
4. Sneak out of bed at 9pm when Mommy and Daddy think you're sound asleep, go find the markers, take them back to bed and color all over yourself (I just learned this route last night!) When they discover you on their way to bed around 10pm you will have had plenty of "lolor" (color) time and you're guaranteed a bath first thing in the morning, even if you just had one that night!!!
(Mommy says the video is against all she's learned in the Love & Logic book but couldn't resist my cuteness and had to get the naughty confession on video.)

For Uncle Andy & Aunt Laura

2009-03-11T12:23:00.004-04:00

After breakfast we started our morning playing with tractors, which is how we start most mornings when we have to time to "bay" (play). However, today, for the first time ever he was nice with the tractors, instead of his usual having them chase each other and beat up on each other today they would drive up to one another and say "Hi" in a really sweet voice. Soon he started calling them by name (note: I was driving the smallest one and he was driving the other four) and the one he had his hands on was "Mommy", then he drove "Daddy" up to "Baby" (the one I had), then as he lined them up in front of mine ("Baby") he said "Mommy", drove the next one up "Daddy", drove the next one up "Uncle", drove the next one up "Uncle" - then with a confused looked went back to the first Uncle and said "Ant Loua." It was really cute! So - Uncle Andy and Aunt Laura, even though you are in Texas he still remembers you!!! Here you are in tractor form: from left to right: Mommy, Daddy, Aunt Laura, Uncle (What I want to know is why is Mommy the biggest tractor???), and of course Baby is in front.

I've Arrived!

2009-03-08T21:18:00.002-04:00

Actually, I "arrived" a couple weeks ago. Before Nathan's first birthday, I was just waiting to see if it was real. And I know it is. I feel like I've come full circle now. And for me it didn't come by way of another little blessing in my arms, like I thought it would. It just happened. I reached a new low and have come out of it with a new high. I absolutely felt the Lord caring me through the last year and half and now have a renewed sense of purpose and joy. It's great. It's a huge blessing. And I just want to share that - and wish I could explain in more detail how my heavenly Father has lifted me up but I am at a lost of words of how to explain all the sacred moments in the light they deserve. Just know this, I'm praising my God for all He has done for me!

Praise God!

Excuses & Reasons

2009-03-06T13:59:00.002-05:00

Our house is too small.
We don't have enough money.
We're too young.
We're not that experienced at parenting (only been doing it for 2.5 yrs).
Fostering or adopting out of birth order would completely ruin our family dynamic.
It's not normal.
We won't be able to handle it emotionally.
We won't be able to do stuff we want to do.

All the excuses we've told ourselves, and continue to tell ourselves, as we continue down this path of foster parenting and/or adopting. Every step is exciting but at the same time increasingly scary. We must trust Jesus in this. As scared or nervous as I become I have still had complete peace about it.

"If you can't feed one hundred people then feed just one." - Mother Theresa
"God doesn't require us to succeed; he only requires that you try." - Mother Theresa
"God doesn't call the qualified, he qualifies the called." - Unknown (to me)
"Religion that God our Father accepts as pure and faultless is this: to look after orphans and widows in their distress and to keep oneself from being polluted by the world." - James 1:27

The Motions by Matthew West (lyrics that have been tugging at my heart since I first heard it and speaking what I've felt for a long time now)

"This might hurt, it's not safe
But I know that I've gotta make a change
I don't care if I break,
At least I'll be feeling something
'Cause just okay is not enough
Help me fight through the nothingness of life

I don't wanna go through the motions
I don't wanna go one more day
without Your all consuming passion inside of me
I don't wanna spend my whole life asking,
"What if I had given everything,
instead of going through the motions?"

No regrets, not this time
I'm gonna let my heart defeat my mind
Let Your love make me whole
I think I'm finally feeling something
'Cause just okay is not enough
Help me fight through the nothingness of this life

'Cause I don't wanna go through the motions
I don't wanna go one more day
without Your all consuming passion inside of me
I don't wanna spend my whole life asking,
"What if I had given everything,
instead of going through the motions?"

take me all the way (take me all the way)
take me all the way ('cause I don't wanna go through the motions)
take me all the way (I know I'm finally feeling something real)
take me all the way"

Being brave enough to continue to follow Jesus' lead despite popular opinion or popular status, even in the foster/adoptive circles. Resisting that urge to be "normal" or fit in. I can guarantee if we become foster/adoptive parents of a non-caucasian child we won't fit in any more AT ALL.

Just some thoughts today, some reality of what's been going on in my head and heart.

"Burch"

2009-03-05T13:14:00.001-05:00

A recent conversation between Jonah and me:

"Do you love Mommy?"
"Burch"
"You love Burch?"
"Yesh"
"What is Burch's name?"
"Daddy."

My son cracks me up sometimes!

"Your best mommy"

2009-02-26T16:58:00.002-05:00

Jonah has had a busy last couple of days with his friends Nicholas and Lauren visiting and his two cousins Benjamin and Samson. Today Nick and Lauren (who I babysit) came again and Jonah was having a hard time sharing or seeing "his" toys played with by anyone else (his favorite word lately is mine, more on that one later) and within probably an hour had three time-outs and two spankings for not staying in time-out. After that third time-out and our little talk, as I was feeling totally exasperated with him and his recent behavior and wondering what I am doing wrong or what I can do better, he started to go back to playing then turned around ran back up to me and said "Your best mommy" and gave me a hug. I almost started crying and hugged him right back.

That was so dear and what I needed, of course he caught on real quick because for the rest of the day whenever I threatened and/or did actually put him in time-out he was quick to say "Your best mommy." Despite his best attempts (and they are such cute attempts) I stuck to my guns and he still had to face the consequences of being naughty.

Now, with his recent understanding of "mine" - every toy, food, clothing, anything he wants or is actually his is "mine" and he'll let you know it with a dirty look and gusto. Last weekend he spent with my parents because we had our first of the long foster care/adoption trainings all day Saturday. As my dad was holding him and we were about to walk out the front door leaving him he just started crying alligator tears, pointed to us and sadly said "Mine." Awww. He does love us!

Happy 1st Birthday Nathan!

2009-02-23T09:28:00.004-05:00

Nathan would be turning one today, I keep trying to picture what his little one-year old face would look like. I'm sure it's just absolutely one of two of the cutest little boy's faces ever created. ;)

We day-sponsored today on Way FM (you can listen to our message today on 88.3 in Kalamazoo, 89.9 in Grand Rapids, or at way.fm ANYWHERE!) Here it is if you don't get the chance to listen:

"Today it is in bittersweet celebration that we wish our son, Nathan Michael, a Happy 1st Birthday. For it was one year ago today Nathan was silently born into our arms, just two days after he was spiritually born into the arms of Jesus. We've missed his physical presence tremendously, but rejoice in the fact that he has been in the presence of our Lord and gets to spend this milestone birthday with Jesus! We look forward to the day when we will see him and Jesus face to face. Happy Birthday Nathan! Love, Daddy and Mommy and Big Brother Jonah."

LSRDP

2009-02-16T14:35:00.002-05:00

Isaiah 1:17
"Learn to do good,
Seek justice,
Reprove the ruthless,
Defend the orphan,
Plead for the widow."

Just a quick note from my quiet time today.

Thanks!

2009-02-12T17:14:00.003-05:00

Just wanted to say a big "Thankyou" to everyone who has given me thoughts/advice on the matter. I am fairly sure at this point what I'm going to do . . .and your thoughts have helped clear the fog (or greyness!)

I do want to mention that I'm not stressing over getting pregnant . . .something about wanting and trying for 11 months sort of gets you over that part. Mary told me today that I should read 1 Samuel, like the first five chapters. Well, I read through chapter two and - again - was reminded of Elkanah's words to Hannah: "Am I not better to you than ten sons?" You have no idea how many times Jesus has said those exact words to me! And it's true, Jesus is WAY better, and so is my husband and the two sons I do have. I'm so privileged to have been blessed with two sons that I really shouldn't have ever complained. And it's not like trying to get pregnant isn't fun. ;) Unlike trying to lose weight - there is NOTHING fun about that.

I've figured out that I was concerned that taking the drugs would make me appear (to God) that I didn't have faith in Him, but I realize now that God uses drugs/medical intervention to create life, for some people. I know He doesn't have to, but sometimes that's just the way He works, I suppose someday I could personally inquire as to why but I have a hunch it won't matter then. And as I mentioned in an earlier blog, not ovulating was sort of a confirmation that we were suppose to (at the very least) pursue and be open to foster care/adoption. And we both very much are.

I do have to mention that I wouldn't care AT ALL that I wasn't ovulating if I didn't have to have a stinkin' period still! Then I'd be like "oh darn" - we'll have to adopt. Oh well. . . .

To "Intervene" or Not - Advice/Thought NEEDED

2009-02-11T00:05:00.003-05:00

Okay. I know, absolutely with all my heart, that God creates life. He knits together in a mother's womb a baby, a child. So my question is this: is fertility treatment really that necessary? It is worth the cost? (Not is a baby worth the cost, is fertility treatment worth the cost.) Is it worth the possible side effects on my otherwise healthy body? (i.e. mood swings - just what my hubby needs more of, right?) I was prescribed clomid after the tests showed I wasn't ovulating. I went right away to pick it up but I chickened out on taking them last month (mainly because of the higher cases of multiples, yes, thank you Mary for sharing about two or was it three people you know have had triplets with the drug?). The time is soon approaching to take them if I choose too but I'm still up in the air about it. I've known or known of many, many couples who decided they were done having kids (and preventing with one or more methods) and still ended up pregnant again. And I've known or known of many couples that want more kids but can't despite all the best practices and medical methods of trying.

So, in the end, does it matter? I mean if it's God's will for us to have another baby via pregnancy, won't it happen whether or not I infiltrate my body with drugs? I seriously would like your opinions. One day I'm absolutely sure I'm going to take it, that God wants to work through that so that maybe I won't/can't be proud that my body made a baby happen. Other days I'm so absolutely sure that I'm not going to take it because God will create a baby when He wants. And somedays my decision varies every five minutes. The time is come to make a decision again and I can't . . . yet. Please give me your advice on the matter.

I know God works through medicine but, and there's the big B-U-T, but, I don't know. Trying to get pregnant seems different. And we're pursueing foster care. If I thought there was a good possibility we would be able to adopt a waiting child (domestically - because that's where our hearts are) I definitely would not take it but our agency told us that there aren't any children in the age rage that we would desire (2.5 yrs or younger) that need to be adopted (in Michigan.)

Full Circle

2009-02-05T13:28:00.003-05:00

Why does my circle have such a large circumference?

Most, okay - all, of the other woman (that I have heard about or read blogs regarding) that have been in a similiar situation (losing a baby) as me have all once again become mothers, either with a remarkably fast adoption or a new baby in their arms. They have all come "full circle." I'm still waiting. So, again I must ask, why is my darn circle so big??? Ugh!

Just had to vent that little frustration.

An apology for any grumpiness . . .

2009-01-15T23:28:00.002-05:00

I just want to post an apology to everyone who might run into me in the next month and be appalled by my grumpiness, lack of friendliness, or out-right down mood. On Monday I started thinking about Nathan and somehow it hit me terribly that if all had gone as I had planned I'd be starting to plan his 1st Birthday Party. Then incredible sadness set in. I won't have to pick a cake flavor for him, or create the perfect iced "Happy 1st Birthday" on it, or pick out some gift that Daddy would have to help him unwrap, or figure what cartoon-ish character to put on the invites, or buy food to feed everyone that comes. 1st Birthdays are so fun, and one-year olds are so fun. As I was explaining to Burch earlier - sure I missed holding him but the other baby-stuff isn't my favorite part of having kids (I didn't miss being up all night, I didn't miss the eat, sleep, poop schedule - yeah, sure I would have rather had a baby that kept me up ALL night but babies can be boring - do I dare say that . . .) I love it when their personalities come out and they start walking and they can use a sippy, and um, basically, they turn into toddlers. My favorite stage (thus far in parenting) is 12 months to 2.5 years (note: Jonah is 2 years, 8 months). So my little Nathan would be, officially, a toddler next month and I wish he was here (because I'm a selfish human mother) so I could see him take his first steps and start really playing with his older brother and become my other little man.

I'm feeling the pain of his life missing from mine again, and it makes me sad and grumpy sometimes so sorry.

News (and it's more interesting than last time)

2009-01-02T17:07:00.003-05:00

So - I had blood work done last Saturday to help figure out why (scientifically) we haven't conceived yet and my doctor called me today to say that the tests show I'm not ovulating. That would do it.

It all confirms our next direction, and I might as well start recording as much as I can of this next saga of life: we're pursuing foster care (and adoption should the need arise.) I can't say how far we are going in this journey just that we both feel like it's the direction God wants us to go right now. It's going to be hard, it's going to be emotional, it's going to be scary, it is a big unknown - yet we know that God will give us what we need if we obey Him. We have also agreed that we're open to special needs children, knowing that had Nathan lived he would have had extreme special needs so how important to God are those children alive that have them. They have a purpose because they are here, now. God doesn't make mistakes. Even though there is fear in my heart the joy of obeying God's leading rises above.

After all, "a person's a person no matter how small" or handicapped.

A New Year, Renewed Hope

2009-01-01T04:21:00.002-05:00

(here it is Kelli, and somehow I'm up at 4:21am - sore throat, no hubby, unfamiliar bed, second wind all contributing to a tired yet restless me)

I don't think I have ever been more glad to see a year go. I wish I could forget 2008 some days, a lot of days. It brought me more grief and pain than I could ever have imagined, or wished upon my worst enemy. And it is still hard being a member of the club, with no one around physically to understand completely what I've been through. But if I were to say that the year was a complete loss I'd be lying. I have come to know Jesus more closely than I ever thought possible, to become close to His heart and the Father's. To know the Comforter and Healer (and He's not done comforting or healing yet, He will continue until I'm face to face with Him and Nathan, He promised me.) I wish I could have come to this closeness without the tragic earthly loss of my dear son but that wasn't God's perfect plan. I'm learning to accept that.

2009. It brings me hope. I feel God's moving in my life, our lives. It is so exciting to feel God moving and see Him doing great things. To see more clearly what directions He desires us to move so that He can work through us, teach us, mold us, mend us. God is amazing. I love and can absolutely relate to the quote from Narnia (Prince Caspian) when Aslan is speaking to Lucy: "Every year you grow you will find me bigger." My God is a BIG God and can do BIG things so watch out world. He is moving in our lives and He is going to be doing BIG things this year. Be prepared.

All Done!

2008-12-13T00:04:00.004-05:00

Here are my scarves:

I've completed four and my mom has knit three. Our goal as Team _____ (we didn't come up with a team name yet) was three so I think we did great! For Nathan, and Jim, and everyone who has or will compete in the Special Olympics!

I know, I know, I knit more than my mom (the super knitter) but she also knit Jonah the awesomest winter hat EVER to go with his camo coat! Thanks Mom!

My Artist

2008-12-09T14:24:00.002-05:00

"Poop"

A few weeks ago Jonah spent the night with Grandpa & Grandma and painted his FIRST watercolor picture with them. The next day our conversation went like this:

Me: "Jonah, that is so pretty, what is it?"

Jonah: ignoring me

Me: "Jonah, what did you paint a picture of?"

Jonah: (now with some enthusiasm) "Poop!"

Yes, folks, that's poop through a 2 1/2 year-olds eyes, and it sure is pretty, isn't it? (really, it looks much brighter in real life) To this day, it's on the fridge now, he still tells us it's poop.

News.

2008-12-09T14:19:00.004-05:00

I just wanted to let you know that I am not pregnant. I know, surprising. (yes, there was a hint of sarcasm.) I'm just hearing the good news (good=pregnant) from LOTS of other moms and wanted to share some "news" as well. And we've only been not preventing, oh, going on nine months now. Ugh! Anyways, it's completely frustrating but at the same time I do have "some" peace about it (well, as of this moment) because I KNOW God's will is perfect and that this is His will for me and my family right now. And because I think He is doing some big(ger) things for us right now . . .and that's exciting.

Winter Time Fun!

2008-12-05T11:39:00.006-05:00

In search of the Fraser Fir "patch".

Grandma taking Jonah on his first sled ride.

We found ours! (only took one hour)

Jonah liked walking in and out of the rows.

Buster chillin' after the tree was up.

All decorated.

And today while I shoveled the driveway . . .

Attention Knitters and Crocheters!

2008-11-19T14:02:00.004-05:00

Scarf Project for the 2009 Winter Special Olympics is in full swing and my mom had the great idea of knitting some in honor of Nathan (who was too special for even the special olympics) and I'd like YOU to join us (if you knit and/or crochet - it can be either).

The scarves need to arrive by January 15, 2009 to:
2009 Special Olympics World Winter Games Scarf Project
3150 W. Main Street
Boise, ID 83702

The goal this is year is 5,000 scarves (nationwide) - will you consider participating in honor of Nathan? Or just because?

You can find details at:
http://www.2009worldgames.org/volunteer/scarf-project or
http://www.coatsandclark.com/Crafts/Crochet/Projects/Accessories/WR1704+Knit+and+Crochet+Special+Olympic+Scarves.htm

Thanks!

Madagascar: Escape 2 Africa

2008-11-09T21:28:00.007-05:00

This afternoon Jonah had his FIRST indoor movie theatre experience! And it was a success! He thoroughly enjoyed the big screen, popcorn, and "juice" (soda). (We went all out as we rarely do this.)

And here are my guys playing games while we waited for the movie (we were there early.)

Jonah, Jonah, Jonah

2008-11-06T22:03:00.003-05:00

Tonight we put Jonah down to bed as usual at 8:00pm. Right around 8:50pm I hear him calling for me "Mommy, Mommy." This usually means he lost his sippy cup in his pile of blankets or Elmo "accidently" fell out so I rush in hoping to get him back to sleep before "The Office" starts - our 1/2 hour of TV enjoyment each week. However this time he has all his animals and his sippy cup AND he's holding his diaper in his hand and saying "poop, poop, Mommy." And it surely smells like there's a poop somewhere, but where. He had managed to take off his socks, his pajama bottoms and his diaper. Taking off of the pants is a new one, I might add. As in new tonight. And we never did find the poop. There were remnants - all over his hands, on his legs, on the bed, and some still on his bum . . .yes, it was a very, very gross evening as we had to ponder "did he eat it? how much? where else would it have gone?" Needless to say Daddy and him took a shower at 9:30pm - that's right, we don't miss "The Office" for anything (yet).

Brave

2008-11-04T14:17:00.003-05:00

Nicole Nordeman's song describes "it" best right now:

Brave
The gate is wide
The road is paved in moderation
The crowd is kind and quick to pull you in
Welcome to the middle ground
You're safe and sound and
Until now it's where I've been

'Cause it's been fear that ties me down to everything
But it's been love, Your love, that cuts the strings

So long status quo
I think I just let go
You make me want to be brave
The way it always was
Is no longer good enough
You make me want to be brave
Brave, brave

I am small
And I speak when I'm spoken to
But I am willing to risk it all
I say Your name
Just Your name and I'm ready to jump
Even ready to fall . . .

Why did I take this vow of compromise?
Why did I try to keep it all inside?

So long status quo
I think I just let go
You make me want to be brave
The way it always was
Is no longer good enough
You make me want to be brave
Brave, brave

I've never known a fire that didn't begin with a flame
Every storm will start with just a drop of rain
But if you believe in me
That changes everything
So long, I'm gone

So long status quo
I just let go
You make me want to be brave
I wanna be brave
The way it always was
Is no longer good enough
You make me want to be brave
Brave, brave

Autumn Trees

2008-10-27T16:05:00.003-04:00

There they stand. Tall, magnificent, proud, everchanging and yet unchanging in the way they praise their Creator. Lifting up all they have in utter surrender and worship. They know, they have no doubts nor have they ever doubted the existence of their God. They are subject to His desire, they depend on Him for their every need, and they speak of Him with their very existence. The shapes, colors, textures and tones a witness to His creativity.

From Poppy's Grandpa

2008-10-24T16:34:00.002-04:00

"Jesus is never in a hurry, but He is never late."

Words and reality I needed to read today.

My Little GOP

2008-10-20T16:36:00.002-04:00

Viewer Discretion Advised

2008-10-15T23:54:00.006-04:00

Feeling:
inadequate
not good enough
why
disgusting
fat
not liked
hopeless

I don't understand God's plan and right now I don't like it. Hubby was wondering why I was angry and crying and telling me to trust in God's plan but right now I don't like what I see and it's reflecting in how I feel. I can't sleep, only cry.

It's not Nathan, it's not that it has been the National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day because it's that day every day for me. Right now it's that I want so, so, so desperately to have more kids and every possible way of achieving that is a big, fat, bloody NO. (pun intended)

I'm a Christian, a daughter of the Most High King (therefore a princess) - I shouldn't be feeling like this, which leaves me feeling worse because I do feel that way, and then the cycle continues. It's just bad feeling after bad feeling after bad feeling. That's why it's not wise to trust in feelings, but rather truth. Easier said than done though.

And I want out of this stupid club I'm in. But there's no way out. Ever. And I want people to understand completely without having to join. But that's impossible.

And this other club I seem to be in right now, there is a way out, but only God can get me out. And then why me? There's others who have been in MUCH longer than they wish, years even. I've just unexpectedly joined for less than one year and already can't stand it. So why should I get a free pass out when others have actually tried tried to get out. I guess I've realized how much I don't like being in control . . . or rather how much I thought I was in control before. Ugh! Will I ever learn? Just come now Jesus! I'm not going to get it. Can you just return today, pllllleeeaaasseee.

Proverbs 30:15-16
"There are three things that are never satisfied, four that never say, 'Enough!': the grave, the barren womb, land, which is never satisfied with water, and fire, which never says , 'Enough!'" (NIV)

My friend Katie sent me a card awhile back and included this verse and it along with her kindness has been comforting today when I haven't been letting self-pity and self-loathing interfere:

Psalm 71:20-21
"You have allowed me to suffer much hardship,
but you will restore me to life again
and life me up from the depths of the earth.
You will restore me to even greater honor
and comfort me once again." (NLT)

This month is the beginning of a lot of awful anniversaries for me and I can't get them out of my head. I want to ignore them, to have each day pass without thinking of what it meant last year but I'm dreading it so much I think about them all the time. This time last year I was still anxiously awaiting our new arrival by enjoying my pregnancy (I was finally not sick all day) and dreaming the dreams mothers do of how their kids will play together. Today . . . I don't feel like dreaming at all.

"The only thing that's good in me is Jesus."

(lyrics from Ronnie Freeman's song "The Only Thing" but exactly how it is for me too)

National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day

2008-10-15T15:00:00.005-04:00

missing,

remembering,

loving

my little nathan.